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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27189602">Error: Soulmate Half-Found</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isobel_Ashgrass/pseuds/Isobel_Ashgrass'>Isobel_Ashgrass</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Anxiety, HumanAU, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Is anyone okay in this fic? No., Non-binary character, Okay yeah Remus has OCD, One Shot, One-Sided Attraction, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, References to Depression, Remember when this was like barely bad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Soulmateau, Soulmates, Therapy, Yeah not anymore, enbies rise up, im seriously adding to this every time, it’s Remus kids they’re enby, it’s getting better I swear, remus kinda has referenced OCD in chapter 2 but idk if it counts, serious talk, uhhh mention of drugs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 04:08:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>23,592</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27189602</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isobel_Ashgrass/pseuds/Isobel_Ashgrass</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In a world where you get flowers on your body wherever your soulmate gets cut, Roman Prince has always been plagued by doubts of whether he’ll find his.<br/>Virgil Abelardo is the quiet kid at the back of his art class. Sarcastic, short and rude, he already had his soulmate. Or so he thought.<br/>I don’t have much more to say, the fic is better than the summary-</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Original Character, Creativity | Roman Sanders/Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW for mentions of self harm. Nothing graphic, it’s just mentioned.<br/>I was feeling super demotivated to finish this, but I have now! This is for the prompt: "Whenever your soulmate gets a cut our wound, flowers bloom from the same space on your body" (it's a human AU as well). Leave a comment if you want part 2 :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time it happened, Roman was five years old. He had been playing with his brother, running around in the garden and clambering up trees. At one point, his knee started feeling a little weird. He looked down expecting to see a graze, but instead was met with small, colourful flowers blooming from it. Remus stopped at the top of the tree and turned around, sticking his tongue out at Roman.</p><p>"Loser! You're so slow Ro-Ro!"</p><p>"My knee!" Roman gasped. He sat in the grass, looking at it in wonder.</p><p>"Oh! Your soulmate is cut! I wonder how the cut looks! I bet there's lots and lots of blood and it's all red and squishy! Maybe their leg is even hanging off!" Remus jumped down from the tree, tumbling head-over-heels as he did. Roman wrinkled his nose.</p><p>"Yuck Re! You're so gross!"</p><p>Remus grinned. "I'm not gross, <em>you're </em>just a baby."</p><p>Roman stuck his tongue out. "Am not!"</p><p>"Are too!"</p><p>"Am not!"</p><p>"ARE TOO!"</p><p>"Boys!" The twins' mother stuck her head around the door. "It's time for dinner!"</p><p>Remus jumped to his feet, pushing Roman as he did. "Coming! Mom, Roman's soulmate cut their knee! Do you think it'll be all bloody?!"</p><p>"Remus! We're about to eat!"</p><p>"But do you?!"</p><p>Roman ran in straight after his brother, slipping into his seat at the table. The unsaid placements rarely changed at dinner. His mom had a chair, he had a chair, Remus had a chair. Well, Remus had three chairs. The sixth chair was at the head. Roman's mother never mentioned it, but he knew that was where their dad used to sit. No one <em>ever </em>sat there.</p><p>"Mom, how long will it take for the flowers to go?" Roman asked, using his fork to play with his mashed potato.</p><p>"Usually however long it takes for the cut to heal. Maybe a couple of days, my little prince. Now, stop playing with your food."</p><p>"But I don't like mashed potato," Roman complained, swinging his legs.</p><p>"Then I guess you don't want dessert. Shame, more chocolate cake for Remus and me then."</p><p>Roman quickly shovelled his food in his mouth. Chocolate cake was his favourite, and a rare treat. He didn't want to miss out.</p><p>***</p><p>The next few years were filled with small blooms of flowers, and in turn Roman gave his soulmate some of his own. When they were around 10, the little scrapes ceased. Of course there was occasionally the odd one or two, but mostly it was fine.</p><p>Roman and Remus had started middle school when it happened again. Their friends Patton and Logan had come over after school (supposedly to do homework, though all except Logan had gotten rather distracted). They were playing 'the floor is lava' - currently Remus was perched on top of the banister, Patton was on a pillow on the floor and Roman was on the couch. Logan was sat in the window reading his notes.</p><p>"Ugh time out. I need to go pee."</p><p>Remus groaned in frustration and jumped onto the sofa. "Rooooo. Be quick."</p><p>Roman nodded and left quickly. While he was washing his hands, flowers began blooming along his arm.</p><p>"What the?" He watched as the lines increased in number. He dried his hands and hurried back to the other three. Logan was looking at Patton, talking rapidly. Patton was cradling his finger, which made Roman notice that Logan's finger had bloomed a single daisy.</p><p>"Uh guys? I don't mean to interrupt what seems to be soulmate stuff but-"</p><p>"Roman! Your arms!" Patton rushed over, his finger forgotten. "Does it hurt?"</p><p>"No it's-what? You know it doesn't hurt, you have a soulmate too." Roman stumbled backwards.</p><p>"Oh but it looks so painful!" Patton gasped as more flowers bloomed. "It must be hurting your soulmate so much."</p><p>"I-I guess..." Roman traced the flowers. Logan frowned.</p><p>"Those look rather deliberate."</p><p>"It's fine," Roman walked over to the couch and pulled on his jumper. "I’m sure it’s nothing. Let's just continue playing. Floor is lava in 5...4...3...2..."</p><p>***</p><p>Now, Roman would've settled for any soulmate. Preferably he would have been a Disney fan, a hopeless romantic and also kinda nerdy, but he wasn't particularly picky.</p><p>The one person Roman <em>hadn't </em>expected, had been Virgil Abelardo. The short, skinny, sarcastic and sometimes outright <em>rude</em> boy who sat at the back of his art class. The kid who's only friend was Janus Nili and, as of two days ago, Remus Prince.</p><p>Roman could deal with Remus just hanging with Virgil at school. Inviting him and Janus round for dinner was a different story. So when Roman walked in from his drama class to Virgil sat in <em>his spot </em>on the couch, Janus sat opposite and Remus sprawled on the floor underneath them, he was....to say in the least, surprised. He nodded at Janus, kicked Remus and went to the kitchen.</p><p>"Mom, how comes the Abelardo kid is here?"</p><p>His mother turned around, stirring the pot in front of her as she did.</p><p>"Virgil is friends with Remus! And I told him to invite him round, he mentioned that Virge didn't really have any friends in school."</p><p>"Right," Roman rolled his eyes. "Guess I'll go piss Remus off or something."</p><p>"Be nice sweetie!" His mom called after him as he left the room.</p><p>Roman re-entered the living room, and sat down sulkily. He glanced at Virgil through his hair. He didn't want to admit it, but Virgil was kind of cute. In a weird, mysterious, dark-brooding guy way. The asshole you didn't want to be attracted to, but were. His dyed purple hair was softly lit up by his phone, which he was currently staring at. His eyes flicked up, looking at Roman. Unfortunately, he couldn't look away quick enough.</p><p>"What you staring at Prince?"</p><p>"You know I have a name."</p><p>"Oh <em>please, </em>enlighten me," Virgil snipped. "I know you have a name, Princey. Doesn't mean I'm gonna use it."</p><p>"Virge play nice," Janus said, distractedly running his hand through Remus's hair as the other boy flopped on the sofa.</p><p>"Whatever."</p><p>"Boys! Dinner is in five minutes! Roman, help me set the table would you?"</p><p>Roman rolled his eyes. "Why can't Remus?"</p><p>"His friends are here! Come on, my sweet prince!"</p><p>Roman cringed at the nickname. Virgil snickered, scrolling through his phone again.</p><p>"Better run Princey."</p><p>***</p><p>Roman had finally gotten accustomed to Virgil coming over unannounced. And, dare he say it, their arguing had turned into friendly bickering. Virgil even opted to help Roman on a couple art projects - but if anyone were to ask, it was 'because Princey was annoying me'. So Roman coming home from drama and seeing his brother and Virgil sat on the sofa wasn't unusual anymore. In fact, it had become part of the routine to nod at Virgil, kick or jab Remus and then move past them into the kitchen or his bedroom.</p><p>Virgil had never taken his hoodie off when at the Prince's house. He might wear a variation of it (a black one instead of his usual purple or a grey one), but he never completely took it off. Roman didn't know why. He asked his brother, the only response being "It isn't my place to say, Ro. If Virge wanted you to know, you'd know."</p><p>Therefore, when Roman got home one day, you can understand why he was surprised to see Virgil on the couch wearing an MCR t-shirt, hoodie discarded on the floor as he held a gaming controller in his hands.</p><p>"No-shit-REMUS I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD STOP USING THE BLUE SHELL-!"</p><p>Remus cackled manically, his entire body shifting as he turned the controller. He punched the air as he crossed the finish line, the first place banner coming up on his side of the screen. Virgil groaned and threw his controller down as he crossed the line a couple of seconds after Remus.</p><p>"Oh fuck you,"</p><p>"Yes please," Remus wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Virgil slapped his arm.</p><p>"Disgusting, truly."</p><p>"Good evening," Roman said, kicking off his shoes. He dumped his bag at the bottom of the stairs and moved to perch on the arm of the couch. Virgil scooted over, reaching to the controller that was on the floor. As he stretched out his arm, Roman caught a glimpse of his arm. Or rather, what was on his arm. Lines crossing over them, in the exact pattern Roman had seen flowers in for the past three years. He scrubbed at his eyes and looked again to double check, but Virgil had tucked his arm back into his body when he did.</p><p>"Virgil I-" Roman's throat went dry as he realised he started a sentence he was <em>not </em>ready to finish.</p><p>"What?" Virgil glanced over. His heterochromatic eyes were doing wonders to Roman' heart. He could feel it doing cartwheels and seemly singing every single musical love song he knew.</p><p>"I uh-I think-" Roman swallowed. "Never mind. It's nothing."</p><p>"Come on Ro-bro! You can't just leave us on a cliff hanger like that," Remus picked at his nose, then his chapped lip, hanging upside-down on the couch. Virgil wrinkled his nose and <em>oh god Roman's heart exploded.</em></p><p>"Ithinkyou'remysoulmate." Roman blurted in one breath. Virgil sat back from his hunched position, eyes softening. Remus flipped from his back to his stomach.</p><p>"Ro, you're kidding. Virge knows his soulmate, it's Vinnie from his math class," Remus stuck out his tongue. "They've been dating for forever! Jan and I are getting a bit sick of it to be honest."</p><p>Virgil ran a hand through his hair, looking at Roman pityingly. "Remus, mind going and grabbing my stuff from your room? I think I left it up there and mom just texted me saying I need to get back."</p><p>"If you want me to go you can just say so," Remus grumbled, getting up. He left the room, calling out to his mom while he was at it.</p><p>"So..." Virgil said, the barest hint of nervousness detectable in his voice. He ran his hand through his hair again. Roman focused on his arms again, definitely seeing scars this time.</p><p>"Your arms." He stated bluntly. Virgil went red and grabbed his hoodie, shoving it on. "What happened?"</p><p>"It's from years ago. Bad shit."</p><p>"Years ago...couldn't have possibly been around September two years ago?"</p><p>"How-" Virgil's eyes widened in panic. "What did Remus tell you?!"</p><p>"Nothing!" Roman put his hands up defensively. "Like I said, soulmate! That's the first time I got flowers on my arms. Like, aside from accidental scrapes. I was with some old friends and one said they looked deliberate. Putting two and two together one could only assume..."</p><p>"Plenty of other people self-harm," Virgil said, crossing his arms. "Just because I did at a similar time doesn't mean I'm your soulmate."</p><p>"I-" Roman could feel his heart being crushed. It was squeezing, and an uncomfortable feeling of dread settled in his stomach. He felt sick, small and insignificant. Of course he wasn't Virgil's soulmate. He couldn't be good enough to be someone like <em>Virgil's </em>soulmate. Virgil was cool, sarcastic, funny, talented and everything Roman <em>wasn't. </em>Virgil was perfect, and Roman was everything less.</p><p>"Look, Roman, you’re really nice but-"</p><p>"What proof do you have of Vinnie being your soulmate?" Roman said coldly. He was shutting down. Getting crushed a certain amount of times tended to do that. Clam up, cry later. Hide the disappointment so the other person doesn't feel guilty.</p><p>"Pardon?"</p><p>"How do you know Vinnie is your soulmate? How do you know it's not anyone else?"</p><p>"It just feels right, Ro. He's amazing, literally the sweetest," Virgil's eyes sparkled as he thought of Vinnie. Roman felt his heart flip again, and promptly plummet as he remembered he could never be the cause of that sparkle. "It's literally the most perfect thing that's happened in my goddamn trashy life."</p><p>"I see," he smiled. "He seems really nice Virgil. I hope things turn out well for you."</p><p>He got up to leave, but Virgil grabbed his arm. Roman turned, doing his best to hide his tears.</p><p>"Roman, listen. You're really sweet, and I do like you! I'm just...god, I'm not good at comforting," Virgil laughed shakily. "Being honest, yeah you annoy me sometimes. That's just how we work. We're <em>friends</em>. I'm happy with my soulmate and I hope you'll be happy with yours too."</p><p>Roman said nothing, instead gently pulling his arm out of Virgil's grip and leaving the room. He ran past Remus, grabbing his school bag as he did. As he shut his bedroom door, he could hear them conversing downstairs. The front door slammed. Finally, Roman allowed himself to cry. Tears slipped out slowly at first, but soon he was fully sobbing. He curled into a ball on his bed.</p><p>His bedroom door creaked open and he felt someone sit down on the end of his bed.</p><p>"What happened my sweet little Prince?" His mother's voice was soft. She reached her hand onto his shoulder and rubbed circles into it comfortingly. Roman sobbed softly, hiccuping as he tried to calm himself down.</p><p>"I-I think I found m-my soulmate but-but he doesn't think we're soulmates. And-and I tried to explain but h-he has a boyfriend and he's ha-happy and I don't want to ruin that." Roman hiccuped again. His mother tutted and pulled him into a hug.</p><p>"Oh my poor baby. It's Virgil isn't it honey?" Roman nodded into her shoulder. "Oh honey. Shhh, it’s alright, it's alright."</p><p>"It's not fair mom. Why-why is it always me? Why does everyone leave me? Like dad left us? Why?"</p><p>"Shhh. It's not your fault sweetie. You don't need to have your soulmate. Sometimes your soulmate is bad for you, like your dad was bad for me. That doesn't make you any less worthy of love, and that doesn't mean you deserve what that person does to you."</p><p>"I'm stupid," Roman whispered. "I could never have someone like Virgil. He's too good for me."</p><p>"Now now," Roman's mom sat him up, looking at him sternly. Her blonde hair fell into her face. Shame that neither Roman nor Remus had inherited it, to be honest. "We don't talk about ourselves like that. No matter how trash you're feeling you're never, <em>ever</em> worth less than anyone else. It's hard to see sometimes, but that's the truth alright?"</p><p>Roman nodded slowly. She wiped his eyes and stood up.</p><p>"Come on. Self care night?"</p><p>"Do we get Disney and ice cream?" Roman asked.</p><p>"Of course, my Prince."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heyyyy I did part 2! Thanks to @serotoninDeficient for the prompt!<br/>In my usual fashion, this has no sense of closure because I can’t write endings to save myself.<br/>I might write an extra with Aro!Roman because aros deserve rep! @y’all aros: I see you. You’re valid and amazing humans.<br/>Kudos and comments are appreciated and I hope you enjoy because this took far too long-<br/>TW // Graphic mention/description of self-harm, blood and negative self-talk. Please stay safe! If any TWs should be added just leave a comment and I’ll get to it ASAP</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman couldn’t help it. Every time he went to his godforsaken art class and saw Virgil, every time Janus was round with Remus. Every couple he saw in the hallways, every soulmate scene he had to act in class. It was tearing him apart from the inside.</p>
<p>“Roman!” His director shouted at him. “A little more bravado, please! What’s happened to you? You’re usually so good!”</p>
<p>“Sorry! Let me try again!” He called back. He turned to the girl in front of him. <em>Stupid, why do you even bother? You can’t get anything right anymore, can you? Not even your passion that you were once ‘talented’ in. Pathetic.</em></p>
<p>“From the top then! Ophelia, your line!”</p>
<p>“Good sir! Please, allow me to help you.” Ophelia ran towards Roman, her jet-black hair billowing out behind her.</p>
<p>“Thank you dear maiden. The war has been rather dreadful, no?” Roman did his best to slip into character. His mind kept wandering, losing track of the scene. </p>
<p>
  <em>Why would Virgil have liked you? You’re ugly, you’re not good enough. You’re not funny, you’re not talented. You don’t deserve a soulmate, much less someone like Virgil. God, you waste of space. Come on, there’s a scene going!</em>
</p>
<p>“Good sir? Are you feeling alright?”</p>
<p>“Quite alright ma’am,” The improvised lie rolled off his tongue easily. Immediately, Ophelia’s face brightened.</p>
<p>“How wonderful! Now, your wounds-” she let out a dramatic gasp. “O lord! Look here, we share the same wound!”</p>
<p>Ophelia pointed to her forearm. Roman looked at it in wonder. </p>
<p>“How fascinating. Have you heard the witches tale?”</p>
<p>“About the soulmates? Of course, good sir! My mother told it to me many-a-night before I slept.”</p>
<p>“Why then, I do believe it to be true!” Roman stood up and lifted Ophelia. “You are my soulmate! I can’t believe my eyes! My own soulmate, before me!”</p>
<p>Ophelia giggled. “We must get back to the castle, good sir! Your parents will no doubt want to hear of this!”</p>
<p>She grabbed his hand and pulled Roman off stage.</p>
<p>“And scene! That was much better Roman, save for the spacing out halfway through. Try to be more focused tomorrow, alright?” Roman and Ophelia entered the stage again. “Alright, you’re all dismissed. Get out before I lose it. I have the juniors next period and they can’t act to save their lives.”</p>
<p>Roman picked up his bag, shoving his script in. He slung it over his back and left the auditorium.</p>
<p>He pushed open the doors to the yard. The sun was shining above, although the air was still bitter and cold. It was one of those days that looked like it was summer but felt like the middle of the coldest winter. He trudged over to a bench, where his brother was sat with Janus. No sign of Virgil, although the view of his brother’s soulmate did make him feel slightly ill.</p>
<p>“Sup losers,” he said as he sat down. Remus moved off of Janus’ lap for the sole purpose of annoying Roman.</p>
<p>“Hey Roman,” he poked Roman’s shoulder. Roman ignored him. “Hey. Roman. Ro. Heyyyy. Pay attention to me you little shit.”</p>
<p>“I’m older than you.”</p>
<p>“By five minutes!”</p>
<p>“Re, I think Roman wants to be left alone m’kay?” Janus pulled Remus back slightly. The other boy melted into his touch. Roman felt a spike of jealousy run through him. “How was drama?”</p>
<p>“Not bad. I’ve been struggling with getting in character recently, but today wasn’t the worst.”</p>
<p>Janus nodded. “Maybe you need to relax a bit. You always seem to be busy nowadays.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you never stop doing something. Even when we’re at home!” Remus picked at a scab on his hand. “Mom finds you awake at ridiculous hours doing something stupid.”</p>
<p>Out of the corner of his eye, Roman caught a flash of purple. He turned his head. Virgil was strolling across the yard with Vinnie. He threw his head back and laughed at something he said, and Vinnie laid his head on his shoulder. They took a seat underneath a tree and continued chatting.</p>
<p>“Hey! Earth to Roman!” Remus snapped his fingers in front of his twin’s face. “What do you have next dickwad?”</p>
<p>“Uh,” Roman scrambled in his pockets for his timetable. He looked at it and groaned. “Fuck. I have double art.”</p>
<p>“You love art?” Janus said.</p>
<p>“Virgil’s in his class,” Remus explained. Roman buried his head in his hands and let them fall to the table. He didn’t want to have to go to art. He didn’t want to have to pretend everything was okay for two hours, that he was fine and happy with being friends with Virgil and that his soul didn’t feel like it had been ripped in two. </p>
<p>“Ohhhh.” Janus went quiet. <em>You stupid moron, you’ve made him feel guilty now. You’re a burden on them all, stop overreacting. It’s not the end of the world, you don’t need a soulmate. You don’t <b>deserve </b>one.</em></p>
<p>“So anyway,” Remus patted Roman’s head and took his lunch out. Janus already had his sushi laid out in front of him, and he continued eating. “We’re doing sexual reproduction in bio....”</p>
<p>Roman blocked out his brother’s chatter as it turned to his rather....inappropriate subjects. Nothing he wasn’t used to, but still.</p>
<p>
  <em>I need to get out, I need to leave. Everything is too much, too many people. Virgil doesn’t want you, he’s gonna see you crying and think you’re weird and a baby. You <b>are </b>weird. Useless, a bad actor, clingy, annoying, selfish. Your brother doesn’t even want you. And why would he? He has good reason not to.</em>
</p>
<p>The bell went, pulling Roman out of his thoughts. He was partially glad for it. Pulled out before it went too dark. He knew what <em>that </em>was like, and he was not prepared to get in that position at school.</p>
<p>“Hey Roman!” Roman cursed. He pulled his bag onto his back and turned round to smile at Virgil.</p>
<p>“Hey Virge. Ready for art?”</p>
<p>Virgil rolled his eyes. “Jesus no. I swear Ms McAllister hates me for no reason. My art’s too ‘stylised’ for her.”</p>
<p>“She’s just grumpy. I mean, she wasn’t at the beginning of the year but maybe she’s stressing over the fact that we have exams soon?”</p>
<p>“Perhaps. Wanna walk to class?”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>Virgil smiled, flicking Roman’s arm. “Just lemme say bye to Vin. I’m not gonna see him for a bit so...”</p>
<p>“Go ahead,” Roman continued to smile even though his heart was hurting. God, why was it him? <em>Stop victimising yourself. </em>But it wasn’t fair. <em>Childish. </em>Why couldn’t things go his way for once? <em>Stop, you asshole.</em></p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Roman slammed his bedroom door and slid down it. He ran a shaky hand through his hair. When had he started shaking? He pulled on his hair sharply. <em>Bad. Bad, bad, bad bad bad bad. </em>Tears trickled down his face. He sniffled quietly, before he heard soft footsteps coming up the stairs. He wiped at his cheeks ferociously, checking that he looked okay in his mirror.</p>
<p>“Roman sweetie? Can I come in?” <em>Shit. </em>His mother.</p>
<p>“Sure!” He dragged his bag away from the door and turned to put it away, allowing his mom to enter.</p>
<p>“How was school?”</p>
<p>“Really good! Art was fun, Ms McAllister says my project is coming along well.”</p>
<p>“That’s great! Listen, I got a call from school earlier. Your drama teacher called me,” Lorna sat down on the bed. <em>Shit shit no fuck. You’ve been slacking that much huh? Loser.</em></p>
<p>“Oh? What did he want?”</p>
<p>“Is everything alright Ro?”</p>
<p>“Yes?” Roman panicking. All he needed to do was defend himself. Make sure everyone thinks he’s okay. No one needed to be burdened by his problems - least of all his mom, who definitely has her own.</p>
<p>“He said you’ve been distracted in class lately. That’s not like you Roman. You know you can tell me anything right?” His mom’s concerned gaze made guilt wash over him. She didn’t need to worry about him.</p>
<p>“Yeah. I guess I’ve just been...tired. Not getting enough sleep.”</p>
<p>“I noticed. If it’s affecting you a lot, we can always go to a doctor to see if they could help.”</p>
<p>“I’ll tell you if it gets worse,” Roman fiddled with his fingers. They sat in an awkward silence for a while, until they heard a crash from downstairs. Lorna flinched and frowned. Lines creased in her forehead.</p>
<p>“I need to check on Remus,” she said, standing up. “Dinner will be at half five alright?”</p>
<p>Roman nodded. His mom left, shutting the door behind herself. Roman waited until she was gone, biting his fist to keep sobs in. When he was sure she was downstairs, he let himself go. Sobs wracked through his body as he curled in a fetal position. His thoughts were swirling in his head, blocking out everything around him. He had expected it, he supposed. It hadn’t been a good day, he knew that when he woke up. Still, he hoped it would’ve gone away if he ignored it enough. He laughed harshly. <em>Dumbass.</em></p>
<p>He sat up abruptly. His eyes scanned the room. What could he do, what could he do....Oh. His eyes landed on a photo of him, Remus, Logan and Patton from middle school. Patton was hugging Logan, while Remus looked completely feral as he crouched on the ground in front of them. Roman was next to Logan, laughing at his brother. Flowers bloomed up his arms in strips. <em>Oh.</em></p>
<p>Roman scrambled off his bed, almost falling towards his bag. He pulled out his pencil case and unzipped it. Trembling, he pulled out his school scissors. The metal was cool in his hands, and grounded him slightly. He opened them and ran his fingers up and down the blade, then pressed it against his wrist. Only once wouldn’t hurt right? He could play it off as a scratch, and it’s likely his soulmate would too.</p>
<p>
  <em>What soulmate? Fucking hell Roman, you don’t <b>have </b>a soulmate! You don’t deserve one, how many times do you need to be reminded? No one likes me, no one ever will. It’s my fault dad left. It’s my fault mom’s sick, it’s all my fault. I’m bad, bad, bad bad bad bad-</em>
</p>
<p>Fuck it. If his soulmate knew, so be it. He pulled the scissors sharply against his wrist. It barely scratched the surface, but god was the pain good. He needed more though. More pain, more scratches, blood. He needed proof that he was hurt. He deserved to hurt so much that he could physically see it. Ribbons and beads of red popped up along his wrist. He stopped as soon as he saw the first few. Any more and he risked <strike>Virgil</strike> his <em>soulmate </em>seeing it. If he had one. He grabbed his hoodie and shoved it on, hiding the scissors in his pocket. He cleaned the floor so it looked more organised and left his room. He headed straight to the bathroom, to wipe the scissors and press toilet roll on his cuts. It’d be fine. It had to be.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Virgil reached under his jumper and scratched at his wrist. The movement wasn’t unusual for him, but it <em>had </em>been a while since he’d done it. His fingers brushed against something soft. He frowned and pulled his sleeve up. Across his wrist, little daisies bloomed. He thought nothing of it at first, but when they began to bloom in a pattern, a very <em>familiar </em>pattern, he panicked. He took his headphones off and immediately picked up his phone to call Vinnie.</p>
<p>“Come on, come on pick up,” He bit at his black nail polish while the phone rang.</p>
<p>“Virge?”</p>
<p>“Vin! Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah? Why?”</p>
<p>“You didn’t cut yourself?” Virgil asked. He knew the other boy would know what he meant immediately.</p>
<p>“Of course not. I mean, I scratched my arm in some brambles on the way home but....”</p>
<p>“Oh thank god. Alright.”</p>
<p>“Love, are you sure you’re alright? Is your anxiety acting up?”</p>
<p>Virgil sighed. “I guess I got the flowers from you and kinda panicked. It’s been a bit bitchy all day to be fucking honest.”</p>
<p>“Language,” Vinnie gently reprimanded. “But okay. If you need anything, call me alright?”</p>
<p>“Same with you. Love ya.”</p>
<p>“Love you too Virge.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>“Jan was in psychology, and Virgil was in music I think,” Remus said as he swung his bag. Roman leant against the wall, putting his earbuds in.</p>
<p>“Patton text me and said him and Logan will be at ours around 4. They haven’t met Virgil or Janus properly have they?”</p>
<p>“Nah but I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Remus grinned and barrelled into a blur of yellow and black that was walking towards them. The other boy made a sound of surprise as he was hit with a handful of his boyfriend.</p>
<p>“Sup Princey,” Virgil said as he reached the gates. Roman nodded in acknowledgement.</p>
<p>“Come on! Logan and Pat said they were gonna be at ours for 4 and if we don’t hurry up we’ll be late!” Remus tugged Janus’ hand and pulled him out of the school grounds. Virgil and Roman followed behind them.</p>
<p>They barrelled into the Princes’ house twenty minutes later. Lorna had laid out snacks for them in the living room. She greeted everyone when they arrived, retreating to her office once they were settled.</p>
<p>“Try to keep it relatively clean alright? Re, that means no stupid yogurting-contests alright? Cleaning yogurt off the couch is a nightmare.”</p>
<p>“Wouldn’t even plan on it mom,” Remus said. Janus and Virgil thanked her before she went back to her office to continue working.</p>
<p>Patton and Logan arrived half an hour later. Roman answered the door for them, since Remus was too busy doing his own thing with Janus and Virgil. Patton smiled brightly.</p>
<p>“Hey Ro! We brought yours and Remus’ presents because we don’t know if we’ll be able to come for yours!”</p>
<p>“Which isn’t to say we will not,” Logan said. “Have you selected a date yet?”</p>
<p>“No. School’s been crazy, you know what it’s like,” Roman stepped backwards. “Come in. Janus and Virgil walked home from school with us.”</p>
<p>“Oh I’m excited to meet them in real life! My dark strange son-“</p>
<p>“Patton, you will have to ask Virgil if he minds being referred to as such. It’s only polite.” Logan took the two boxes from his soulmate’s arms, allowing the other to dart into the house. He sighed and looked at Roman.</p>
<p>“I still can’t fathom how he has so much energy. Where can I put these gifts?”</p>
<p>“Uh just put them in the corner,” Roman vaguely gestured as he shut the door. “Mom made snacks and shit so yeah.”</p>
<p>Logan nodded and carefully places the boxes on the stairs. He stood up, straightening his grey NASA t-shirt. <em>The most casual thing I’ve ever seen him wear, </em>Roman inwardly thought. He smiled as he recalled Logan’s bizarre sense of fashion. They both moved to the living room, where Patton was currently attacking everyone with hugs. Logan sat on the couch.</p>
<p>“So, what’s the plan?” Virgil asked as Patton finally sat himself down.</p>
<p>“Dunno. Watch some movies, truth or dare?” Remus shrugged, tossing a waffle at Roman. Roman batted it away, frowning. <em>He hates you, you’re dampening the mood. He doesn’t want you here, no one wants you here.</em></p>
<p>“Truth or dare it is.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Virgil narrowed his eyes. Roman had been acting....off all evening. Of course, he’d been acting off since <em>that </em>day, but he’d mostly seemed to have returned to normalcy over the past few weeks.</p>
<p>Currently he was sat in the corner as the rest of them sat in a circle. Virgil found himself shoved between Janus and Logan. He apologised to the latter as his shoulder bumped against him. Logan assured him it was alright, and that he needn’t apologise for anything.</p>
<p>“Aw come on Ro! It’s just a bit of fun and games!” Patton begged Roman from his spot on the floor.</p>
<p>“I’m just not really in the mood Pat. I appreciate the kindness though.”</p>
<p>“Roman,” Janus said, his hair falling over the vitiligo patterns on his skin. “Come and join us. Now.”</p>
<p>Roman opened his mouth to say something, but quickly shut it and scurried over.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Janus squeezed Roman’s hand. Virgil narrowed his eyes at Roman. The boy looked over at him and Virgil quickly glanced away. What was up with him today? Virgil reached under his jumper and ran his fingertips up the bumps on his arms. It created some sense of security for him - more of an unconscious movement than something he did on purpose now.</p>
<p>“Okayyyy Pat! Truth or dare?!”</p>
<p>Patton clapped his hands. “Oooooh....truth!”</p>
<p>Remus grinned wickedly. “Have you kissed Logan yet?”</p>
<p>Patton immediately flushed red. He covered his mouth, glancing at Logan. The tips of his  soulmate’s ears had gone slightly pink, although his face was still perfectly composed.</p>
<p>“Perhaps,” was the vague reply Patton gave.</p>
<p>“That’s not an answer!” Virgil complained. He knew the answer of course (they <em>totally </em>had, you don’t blush like that over nothing) but he wanted to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth.</p>
<p>“Yes it is!” </p>
<p>“No, it’s <em>not</em>!”</p>
<p>“It is!”</p>
<p>“It isn’t!”</p>
<p>“Why do I have to saayyyyyyyy?!”</p>
<p>“You picked truth,” Remus cackled. “Answer or you pick a forfeit. Which will undeniably be worse.”</p>
<p>“Fine!” Patton buried his head in his hands. “Yes. I have.”</p>
<p>“I knew it!” Remus punched the air.</p>
<p>“Right! My go!” Patton scanned the circle. “Janus. Truth or dare?”</p>
<p>The quick-witted boy very clearly debated the choice in his head for a good three minutes. Eventually, he turned his head.</p>
<p>“Dare,” he said in the most monotonous voice he could muster. Virgil sniggered, earning a glare from Janus.</p>
<p>“Alright,” Patton scrunched his eyes up as he thought. He leant over and whispered to Logan, who shook his head and whispered back. “Okay. Janus. I dare you...to lick the inside of Lorna’s fridge!”</p>
<p>Roman wrinkled his nose. “If you get some disease, don’t sue us.”</p>
<p>Janus stood up gracefully. He bowed. “Your wish is my command.”</p>
<p>He walked out the room. Remus thumped his hand against the floor. </p>
<p>“No fucking way. Jan, wait for me! You need a witness!”</p>
<p>Virgil glanced over at Roman while they waited for the other two to return. He was picking at his nails, which were severely lacking their usual colour. He looked exhausted. Even though he was dressed in clean clothes, and his hair had been brushed, there was an air of ‘I haven’t slept in two weeks and my thoughts are Satan incarnate’ about him. Virgil knew all about that. He hadn’t been to what he considered hell and back to not be able to notice when someone else was suffering. Still, he didn’t know if Roman liked him. In fact, for all Virgil had improved, he was still fully convinced that <em>Roman and Remus and Janus hated him. </em>So he wasn’t planning on asking Roman if he was okay. If Roman wanted to tell him, he would. Besides, he had probably already told Lorna. No need to worry, no need to worry, <em>no Need to Worry.</em></p>
<p>A screech came from the kitchen, followed by Remus rapidly sprinting into the room being chased by Janus. He leapt over the couch and landed in a heap on top of Patton, who looked rather bemused.</p>
<p>“Dickhead!” Janus hissed as he took his seat again. </p>
<p>“Now Janus, language.” Patton gently reprimanded.</p>
<p>“You didn’t tell Remus off earlier!” Janus complained. He looked around the circle. “Roman. Truth or dare?”</p>
<p>Roman looked dazedly in the direction of the voice. His eyes looked slightly glassed over, Virgil noted. He really wanted to know what was going on in that pretty little head of his.</p>
<p>“Hm?” Roman blinked, the fog in his eyes clearing. He blushed when he noticed Virgil staring - or, rather, glaring - in his direction. “Um, I-I need to go.” </p>
<p>He stood up abruptly and ran out of the room. </p>
<p>“Should we....check on him?” Patton asked, worry lacing his voice. Remus shook his head. </p>
<p>“Let him sulk. He’ll come back down eventually.”</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Roman felt tears begin to prick at the corners of his eyes. He was trembling, his arms could barely stay still as he gripped his middle. He opened his door and shut it quietly so he wouldn’t cause his mom to come running. He slid down onto the floor, burying his head in his arms.</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck no, you ruined it. Absolute idiot, why would you do that to him? Patton and Logan came all this way and now you’re just up here sulking. They’re gonna be so annoyed when I go down again, fuck. They won’t want to be my friend, I’m a shitty friend. They hate me.</em>
</p>
<p>Roman’s hand brushed against the handle of his bedside drawer. When had he moved here? Why was he holding the scissors in his hand again? He sat back on his heels. His movements felt slow, languid. He wasn’t sure what he was planning to be honest. The tears had stopped falling at some point, leaving salty tracks on his cheeks.</p>
<p>He pressed the blade to his wrist and pulled it across his wrist in a smooth motion. He bit his lip as he did so. Even though he’d been doing this for a while, the pain didn’t really get any more bareable. Still, that was the point. He deserved to hurt, to be punished for being the huge fuck-up that he was. For hurting everyone around him, for annoying them, for existing<em>. Pain, pain, pain. Bad, bad, bad. </em>That’s all he was.</p>
<p>***</p>
<p>Downstairs they had resumed to the game. So far, Logan was the only one who had avoided doing anything incredibly uncomfortable during the game. The worst thing he received was a dare to ‘eat three cookies’ from Patton. Which he did, willingly.</p>
<p>“Ughhhh this is boring nowwwww,” Remus balanced a strawberry lace across his upper lip.</p>
<p>“Why don’t we turn on a movie?” Logan asked. He stood up, a tangle of long limbs stretching out as he moved over to the cupboard where the Prince’s kept their films. He took out some discs, shifting though them for a minute before turning to the others. Virgil tugged on his hoodie. His arms were itching like mad but he couldn’t scratch them in front of the others.</p>
<p>“We can watch The Nightmare Before Christmas, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory-”</p>
<p>“Call Me By Your Name!” Remus suddenly yelled. Patton and Logan looked at him in confusion, whilst Janus just patted his head.</p>
<p>“I don’t think that’s the most appropriate sweetie.”</p>
<p>Remus frowned. “But it’s so gooooodddd. And it’s my birthday!”</p>
<p>“We wouldn’t want to scare poor Patton either,” Janus continued. Remus huffed.</p>
<p>“How is it scary?”</p>
<p>Janus raised an eyebrow at Remus. Virgil rubbed his arms against his side. <em>Goddamit.</em></p>
<p>“Fine.”</p>
<p>“How about Black Cauldron?” Janus asked, gesturing to the shelf. “I’m sure Lorna said they had it at some point.”</p>
<p>Logan returned to the shelf and shifted through the films once again. He found the movie and crossed the room, crouching down to put it in the DVD player. He then returned to his seat next to Patton, who immediately curled back into his side.</p>
<p>As the movie started playing, Virgil pulled up his sleeves to scratch at his arms. They felt like they were on fucking <em>fire. </em>He didn’t know why - perhaps his scars were a bit inflamed today or something. The hundreds of petals that fell out of his sleeves and onto the floor were a surprise, to say in the least.</p>
<p>A startled yelp escaped him and he immediately covered his mouth with his hands. All the heads in the room turned to him. The flowers were still blooming, hundreds and hundreds of daisies up and down his arm. Virgil fumbled for his phone, breathing shallowly.</p>
<p>“Virge?”</p>
<p>“Phone-” he choked out. Patton spotted it on the table and passed it over. Virgil unlocked it and speed-called Vinnie.</p>
<p>“Virge? I thought you were at the party?”</p>
<p>“Stop-” Virgil curled up on the corner of the sofa. “Put it down.”</p>
<p>“What?” Vinnie sounded genuinely confused. <em>Such a good actor,</em> Virgil thought.</p>
<p>“The blade, Vin. Put it down.”</p>
<p>“Virgil, love, are you alright? Are you safe?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Virgil gritted his teeth, frustrated. “And you aren’t! Stop fucking with me and just admit it okay?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“<em>Stop,</em>” Virgil knew he was on the edge of a full-blown panic attack. Images of Vinnie, Vinnie dead, Vinnie with scars everywhere, Vinnie with slit wrists, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.</p>
<p>“I have no idea what you’re on about,” Vinnie stated. “Seriously. I’m sat at my desk prepping stuff for math tomorrow. I wouldn’t lie to you about this, you know that.”</p>
<p>“Do I?” Virgil spat. Bile and anger rose up in him. Fucking hell, how hard was it for anyone to trust him? Was he that bad of a partner? Or was Vinnie just scared? “How do I know you aren’t planning on killing yourself as soon as I get off this call? How can I trust that the flowers are going to stop? That I’m not going to have my insides stuffed because you did something that caused internal bleeding? How do I know I’m going to go home and I won’t be told your mom found your dead body on the floor?”</p>
<p>
  <em>Oh shit. You’ve really fucked up now Virgil. Well done, gold star! I’m a fucking twat.</em>
</p>
<p>“Because I’m not self-harming!” Vinnie shouted. “I’m not so fucking <em>stupid </em>as to stoop so low! I have people I can talk to, who I know would support me no matter what. People like you, Virgil. I love you and I never want you to have to watch me go through the same thing you had to. </p>
<p>“Vin-” Virgil was taken aback by the harsh words Vinnie said. Yep, he had stepped a bit too far, let his thoughts get to him a bit too much.</p>
<p>“This isn’t fair on me. I want to be there to support you, really, but I draw the line at accusing me of self-harm when I’m very clearly not.” Vinnie sighed frustratedly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap, I’m just.....there isn’t a justified reason to be honest. I got mad, I’m annoyed with this stupid math and I took it out on you. I’m really sorry Virgil.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” Virgil said. “Whatever. I’m just glad you’re safe.”</p>
<p>He ended the call. The room was tense, daisies still fluttering to the floor. Virgil breathed in deeply, trying to calm his breathing. He might have just risked everything with Vinnie. A proper apology was needed later.</p>
<p>“Virgil?” Patton whispered. “What’s happening?”</p>
<p> Virgil ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know.”</p>
<p>The movie was still playing in the background when a shriek came from up the stairs. Virgil stood up immediately, his face going pale. <em>Roman.</em></p>
<p>He sprinted into the corridor, narrowly beating Lorna up the stairs. He shoved open the door to Roman’s room without knocking. The aforementioned boy was on the floor, surrounded by several tissues and blood. A pair of scissors was buried in his arm and Roman was staring at them in shock.</p>
<p>“Roman,” Virgil knelt down next to him. “Hey. Listen to me okay? We’re gonna get you cleared up. It’s okay.”</p>
<p>Roman didn’t reply. A solitary tear slid down his face and he sniffled, biting his lip in pain. His head whipped up as a gasp came from the hall. Lorna was stood in the doorway, a hand over her mouth and tears in her eyes.</p>
<p>“Ro...”</p>
<p>“Lorna, I’m really sorry but I’m going to need you to get all of your first aid supplies. Could you also ask Logan to come up?” Virgil glanced at Roman to check it was okay, then decided against it. He wasn’t in any state to make decisions. Besides, he’d been friends with Logan since they were kids. It would be fine. Probably.</p>
<p>“Y-yes of course,” Lorna stammered, turning to go downstairs. Virgil grabbed a t-shirt of Roman’s and pressed it to his arm to stop the worst of the bleeding. A few minutes later Lorna returned, supplies in her arms and Logan in tow.</p>
<p>“Logan, thank god,” Virgil said as he looked up. “I need your help bandaging this.”</p>
<p>“Of course.” Logan took a bandage from Lorna and joined Virgil on the carpet. “This needs professional medical attention. I don’t think we can get it out without risking damage to arteries or veins.”</p>
<p>He began wrapping the bandage around the scissors, securing them in the place they were in so they wouldn’t move and damage Roman more. Roman winced but didn’t say a word. They then began addressing his smaller wounds, covering his arms in plasters.</p>
<p>By the time they were done, the rest of the house was silent. Janus, Remus and Patton had left at Lorna’s request. She had come back upstairs after, and sat holding Roman and stroking his hair while Logan and Virgil worked.</p>
<p>Logan stood, picking up packaging as he did. </p>
<p>“We should go to the ER now, to minimise the chance of infection,” he said. Lorna nodded, shifting to help Roman up.</p>
<p>“Come on baby. Let’s go get you sorted out.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Roman whispered. His voice was hoarse and it sounded like he’d been crying for hours. “I’m so so sorry.”</p>
<p>“Shhh, it’s okay.” She held him close. Virgil couldn’t help but feel like he was intruding on something very private. <em>Y’know if you’d just listened to him this might not have happened. </em>No. This was not his fault. Even if he had believed Roman, this still probably would’ve happened. This was not his fault. “It’s okay.”</p>
<p>“Uh, me and Logan can stay,” Virgil said awkwardly. <em>Good one, you sound so rude. </em>Shut up. “Until Remus and the others get home. I should clear the flowers from your couch anyway.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to clear up. Logan, your mom said she’s coming to pick you up in a couple of hours. Feel free to stay.”</p>
<p>“I thought Patton’s dad was meant to?”</p>
<p>“Last minute change of plans,” Lorna shrugged. “Still. You’ve been here enough, I don’t mind you staying.”</p>
<p>“I’ll walk home soon,” Virgil muttered. “I just want to make sure Remus and Janus and Patton are safe.”</p>
<p>“That’s fine, Virgil. Stay as long as you like.”</p>
<p>Lorna and Roman left the room. Virgil crouched down and began picking up tissues.</p>
<p>“Do you happen to know if Lorna has anything to clean the blood up?”</p>
<p>Logan nodded. “I believe she should have dishwashing detergent downstairs, so if we mix that with cold water it should get the worst out. They might need a new carpet though. I’ll go and get it.”</p>
<p>Virgil cleared up the tissues and left Logan scrubbing the blood out of the carpet. He went downstairs and put his hoodie on, then began sweeping the daisy petals into a pile. Around twenty minutes later he heard the door open, and the other three walked into the room.</p>
<p>Remus was uncharacteristically quiet as he watched Virgil. Janus was talking to him, a hand round his waist and facing away from the mess in the room. Patton knelt down to help Virgil, picking up flowers and putting them in the bag. When they were done, Virgil silently picked up the bag and moved it into the trash. He pulled out his phone and texted his dad.</p>
<p>
  <em>Omw home. Shit happened and Lorna had to leave so</em>
</p>
<p><em>Pa: </em> <em>Is everything okay?</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Yeah. I’ll be home in 10</em>
</p>
<p>He turned off his phone and went through the living room once more. Remus was picking at his skin ferociously. Janus was whispering in his ear, while the taller boy shook his head repeatedly. Logan was talking to Patton in a hushed voice in the corner. Virgil coughed. </p>
<p>“Uh, I’m gonna go. Dad needs me home soon anyway.”</p>
<p>“Alright Virgil,” Patton went to hug the boy. “It’s been nice to meet you in person.”</p>
<p>“Same, popstar.” Patton smiled softly.</p>
<p>“Thank you for your assistance, Virgil,” Logan said, fiddling with his glasses. “I hope you get home safely.”</p>
<p>“Will do Lo. See you at school Jan,” Virgil walked out of the room. He paused, not turning to look at Remus. “And Remus? I’m...I’m sure Roman will be okay.”</p>
<p><em>Yeah</em>. Roman had to be okay. Because they had to talk about this, Virgil had to tell Vinnie that Roman was his soulmate and-</p>
<p>Oh god. Roman was <em>his</em> soulmate. He had been right. Vinnie wasn’t his soulmate at all. The relationship he’d spent the last year in, the person he loved with all his heart and thought was his soulmate just...wasn’t.</p>
<p><em>His soulmate was Roman fucking Prince. </em>And god did that open up a whole host of complicated feelings he wasn’t ready for.</p>
<p>Whatever. He could deal with those another day. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ahaha catch me totally making this continue-<br/>I didn’t mean for it to happen but I think 6.5K words was enough for one chapter. So ya, we’re gonna need another chapter. On the plus side - everyone goes to therapy and we get to see Vinnie’s POV!<br/>Fun fact: I have never been in a relationship (well I have but I was like, a child) so this is inTerEstInG to write. I’m sincerely sorry for anything that sounds weird because of that.<br/>TW for negative thoughts about oneself, therapy, panic attacks and mentions of self-harm.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman signed out at the front desk and left his school. Outside, his mom was waiting for him in the car. He pulled open the passenger door and slung his bag on the floor, sliding in.</p><p>“Hey love. How’s school been?”</p><p>“Pretty shit.” Roman said, taking out his headphones. His mother hummed as she pulled out of the school.</p><p>“Wanna talk about it?”</p><p>“It’s just shitty lessons mom.”</p><p>“Hm.” Lorna fell silent, turning up the radio slightly. Roman put his volume to the max and turned on his own music. </p><p>Ever since the week after Remus’ birthday, Roman had been going to therapy. Lorna had been incredibly concerned, especially since Virgil asked her to take him. So she organised an appointment and they went.</p><p>That was two and a half months ago. And Roman still hadn’t stopped. He didn’t want to, and he didn’t care. He deserved to hurt, deserved the pain. And, perhaps it was narcissistic, but he wanted someone to pay attention to him. He wanted someone to know that he wasn’t okay, that he needed help. Wanted for someone to reach out to him, tell him it was going to be okay, hug him and comfort him. As much as he resisted the idea of getting help, part of him was relieved. He needed it so so badly.</p><p>His mom pulled into another car park twenty minutes later. They both got out of the car, and headed into the hospital.</p><p>Lorna pressed the button that rang for reception outside of the building. The small side-building they were going in was a light green. Gardens surrounded it, and some kids were in the backyard. They clearly ranged from 8 or so right through to 18. Not that Roman really paid attention anymore.</p><p>“Welcome to Brookside. How may I help?” The usual voice crackled through the receiver.</p><p>“Hiya, I’m here with Roman Prince for his therapy appointment at 2:35pm?”</p><p>“Let me just check. Mother is Lorna Wright?”</p><p>“That’s me.”</p><p>“Yep, I see you here....hold on two seconds, the door should buzz and you can come in.”</p><p>The receiver crackled out. Lorna pushed open the door when it buzzed, holding it open for Roman. He caught the next door for her and together they walked to the reception desk.</p><p>“Name?” The receptionist asked, not glancing up from his computer.</p><p>“Roman Prince.”</p><p>The receptionist nodded and typed loudly on his keyboard. “Alright, sit down in the waiting area. Dr. Picani should be out to see you shortly.”</p><p>Roman nodded and moved to a corner. He squished himself into a chair, trying to look as small as possible. While he did so, he eyed the other people in the room. All new, he realised. The people who were labelled as ‘regulars’ in his mind weren’t there this week. <em>What does that say about you? </em>A voice whispered. <em>Pathe-</em></p><p>“Roman?” Emile stood in the doorway, smiling brightly. “Come in!”</p><p>***</p><p>“So how has your week been?” Emile asked as they sat down. Lorna had gone to the café around the corner as she always did. She was updated on sessions, but only on what Roman and Emile came to an agreement on telling her. Which, often, wasn’t a lot.</p><p>“Good. I finished my art project and my teacher said it looked really great.”</p><p>“That’s amazing Roman! You should be proud, art is a very hard thing to do.”</p><p>Roman shrugged. “I guess. It’s not really a big deal.”</p><p>Emile nodded. “It can be if you want it to be.”</p><p>“Whatever.”</p><p>“And how have you been feeling in yourself?”</p><p>Roman looked at the floor and picked at his jeans. He said nothing, thinking over the question.</p><p>“Roman?”</p><p>“I-,” Roman tried to say something, anything, but it got stuck in his throat.</p><p>“It’s okay. Take your time.” </p><p>Roman took a deep breath. <em>In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. </em>He felt his head clear. <em>In for four, hold for seven, out for eight. </em>Okay. That’s better.</p><p>“I...haven’t been doing the best,” he admitted, not meeting Dr. Picani’s eyes. “I um....did it again. A lot.”</p><p>Emile rested his pen against his notepad and looked at Roman softly. “Shall we talk about reasons why?”</p><p>Roman drew his lips into a tight line. “I’m...I don’t know.”</p><p>“That’s okay, but we do need to address it. Perhaps we can make a mind map?”</p><p>Emile had always been one for visuals. Whether it be relating to shows like Steven Universe, or letting his patients use coloured felt-tips, he adored getting them doing something creative. This tended to work particularly well with Roman, who’s natural creativity made it the best way for him to express his feelings.</p><p>Emile placed the pot of pens on the table and slid some paper in front of Roman.</p><p>“Here, I’ll make one too. I’ve been stressed over the past week and it would do me some good to let some feelings out.”</p><p>Roman nodded and pulled a sheet towards himself. In the center of the page, he put ‘feelings’ and circled it with a blue pen. He bit the tip of the pen for a little bit, before drawing a line out and switching to an orange pen. He drew a new bubble called ‘self-harm’. He quickly added the words <em>useless, worthless </em>and <em>pathetic </em>to it, before capping the orange pen and taking a pink one. He made a new branch and named it ‘soulmate’. He added his feelings about Virgil, the soulmate ordeal, his dad and mom and anything else he could think of that linked to it.</p><p>Roman continued in this fashion until his page was fairly full with information and lines connecting the information to other bubbles. When he was done he glanced up to the clock. How had he been in here for twenty-five minutes already?</p><p>“Are you finished?” Dr. Picani asked him. Roman nodded. “Shall we share something from our maps?”</p><p>“I don’t...we can try. I want to try.”</p><p>Emile smiled encouragingly. “I’ll go first. I found out that my husband’s boss is homophobic, and he might risk losing his job if we aren’t careful.”</p><p>“That sounds stressful,” Roman said. “I hope everything goes okay.”</p><p>“I’m sure it’ll work out. Besides, he hates his job. Keeping it for money only really - typical of him. Now, it’s your turn.”</p><p>Roman glanced at his map. Perhaps it would be easiest to start with self-harm since that’s why he was here?</p><p>“Uh, I was feeling pretty useless and pathetic on Tuesday. Like I was hurting everyone and they hated me for it. I thought my brother and his friend were talking about how I was bringing them down. I bet they are. I’m an awful friend and brother. They deserve someone who isn’t fucking upset by the smallest thing. Someone who can actually fucking learn to be happy for others. I’m selfish really, aren’t I? So yeah, that’s why I did it,” Roman sniffed, realising a few stray tears had ventured down his cheeks. “God, I’m such an oversensitive baby aren’t I?”</p><p>“You aren’t, Roman,” Emile passed him the box of tissues. “I promise. Your feelings are yours, and they’re completely valid. Now, why didn’t you tell your mother? She’s a lovely woman, she wouldn’t have judged you for struggling.”</p><p>“I didn’t want to be a burden on her. Her depression’s been acting up recently - it’s near her and dad’s anniversary I think - and so I didn’t want to make things worse.”</p><p>Dr. Picani nodded and noted something down. “What about the rest of your mind map? You seem to have more than usual written on it.”</p><p>Roman looked down at his map. He seemed to have just splurged thoughts and feelings onto the page, mostly centering around the whole ‘soulmate’ issue. </p><p>“It’s nothing. Stupid stuff really, about soulmates.”</p><p>“Soulmate talk isn’t stupid, especially if it’s affecting your mental health,” Dr. Picani gently reprimanded. “What’s it about?”</p><p>“I know who my soulmate is. But he has a boyfriend already so...yeah. Oh, and he found me the day mom brought me to the ER. My brot-” Roman clammed up, fiddling with the corner of his paper. He’d said too much, Emile was going to tell him he was stupid and selfish (<em>true</em>) and then he’d be kicked out.</p><p>“And how is that affecting you, Roman?” Emile asked. Roman’s eyes widened. He hadn’t been expecting Dr. Picani to actually care.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“How is it affecting you? You’ve put it on the map which means it must be affecting you in some way.”</p><p>“I...don’t want to talk about it yet. I’m sorry.” Roman dug his nails into his palm as he awaited Dr. Picani’s response.</p><p>“You don’t have to apologise. Since we’re getting near the end of our session, shall we discuss what we’re going to tell your mom this week?”</p><p>Roman nodded, and Emile swiftly moved the conversation on. </p><p>***</p><p>Virgil read over the paper in his hand one last time.</p><p>
  <em><strike>Hey</strike>. <strike>Vinnie</strike> I’ve been meaning to say this for a little while, Vinnie, but it’s been hard. Mostly because <strike>Roman’s involved</strike> I’m not sure how to address it. <strike>Basically Roman’s my soulmate</strike> As I’m sure you’re aware, I was at Remus’ birthday around two months ago <strike>fuck if I know, I don’t bother with dates much</strike> Roman was off school for a while following the birthday. To cut a long story short - he was right, Vin. He’s my soulmate.</em>
</p><p>Virgil sighed. That would have do. If all went to plan, well....they could at least have a civil conversation about it. It wasn’t his fault he and Roman were soulmates. It’s simply just how it was. Whoever’s up in the sky must really hate both of them to make them go through this shit.</p><p>Sighing, Virgil rolled over on his bed and picked his phone off his nightstand. He sat up and dialled Vinnie’s number. His boyfriend picked up on the first ring.</p><p>“Hey Virge! How are you?”</p><p>“I’m good. You?”</p><p>“I’m great. Mom made a lemon meringue pie today. It’s my favourite y’know!”</p><p>A smile crept onto Virgil’s face. “Yeah, I know.”</p><p>“Anyways, why’d you call?”</p><p>Virgil swallowed and held his paper in front of him. “I needed to talk to you about something.”</p><p>“Oh? Go ahead. Wait no, hold on,” Virgil could hear muffled footsteps. “I’m just on the phone to Virgil mom! One minute! Okay love, go ahead.”</p><p>“I’ve been meaning to say this for a while but I guess I didn’t really know how to address it. You know I went to Remus’ birthday a couple months ago, and you know what happened,” Virgil’s voice started wavering as he deviated off-script. “Well, long story short, Roman is my soulmate.”</p><p>Virgil was met with silence from the other side of the phone. He chewed on his hoodie string as he waited for a reply. He could nearly feel Vinnie staring at a spot just beyond Virgil, looking in his direction but not focusing on him. </p><p>“Okay....I don’t see how this affects us?”</p><p>“I just thought you should know-“ Virgil stuttered. “Like, in case-or maybe because-“</p><p>“Virgil, this doesn’t affect us unless you’re planning on breaking up with me.”</p><p>Virgil hesitated. What <em>was </em>he planning on doing? Did he want to pursue a relationship with Roman? Or was he content with Vinnie? <em>I want...both, </em>he realised. <em>I want Vinnie but I want to try things with Roman. I don’t want to lose either of them.</em></p><p>Somehow this thought made him feel more disgusted with himself. Was he really so shallow as to not care about one person? Did he really move through crushes that quickly?</p><p>“Virge? Hon, I’m not going to be mad if you wanna break up. I’d be sad and I’d miss you, but it would pass. I would hope we could still be friends, too.”</p><p>“I don’t know what I want. If I’m honest, I’ve been avoiding thinking about it.”</p><p>“And that’s okay. Just, try to sort it out okay? If you want to take a break from our relationship, if you want to end it, whatever. Just let me know.”</p><p>“I will. Than you Vinnie.”</p><p>“Anytime Virgil.”</p><p>Virgil ended the call and placed his phone down on his bed. He groaned frustratedly, burying his head in his pillow. God, this was going to be a mess.</p><p>“Virgil? Come down for dinner please.” His dad’s voice called him from outside his room.</p><p>“I’ll be down in a sec!” Virgil pulled his face out of his pillow. Scrambling up, he ran a hand through his hair and glanced in his mirror. Aside from pillow lines in his face, he looked normal. There was no trace of the fact that he had just had a conversation about soulmates with Vinnie. He rubbed his arms roughly. The flowers were still there, even though the last time Roman had cut was a few days ago. Roman was trying, Virgil knew that. The lines weren’t regular anymore - they’d appear one day, then he wouldn’t get any for two weeks, then maybe there’d be a week and he’d go cold turkey again. </p><p>Virgil just wished he could help more. He wanted to let Roman know that he’d be okay and that his feelings weren’t forever. But every time he attempted to talk to him at school, Remus would glare at him defensively until he left the group alone. So school was a no-go.</p><p>Virgil had tried contacting him via social media, and even his school email once. He got a reply from the latter and they switched to Instagram for ease of access. The conversation was short and tense, with Roman replying in one word and Virgil doing his best to offer comfort and support.</p><p>Downstairs, his dad was already sat at the table with his mom and brother. Virgil slid into the seat next to his brother.</p><p>“Glad you could join us, idiot,” Ryan said.</p><p>“Sorry. I was finishing up a sketch.”</p><p>“I don’t care.”</p><p>“Ryan,” Virgil’s mother scolded. “Virgil, how was school?”</p><p>“Alright,” Virgil shrugged and twirled some pasta onto his fork. “Not much happened. Although, our class set off the fire alarm in chemistry. Some idiot forgot to check the glove.”</p><p>“That was you?!” Ryan practically yelled. Virgil’s mother glared at him and he lowered his voice. “Duuudddeee I fuckin’ hate your class now.”</p><p>“Hey, it wasn’t our fault!”</p><p>“Yeah, well I lost twenty minutes of lunch for that.”</p><p>“You’re so petty-”</p><p>“Well you’re a loser!”</p><p>“You little shit!”</p><p>“Boys!” Virgil’s dad raised his voice as the noise at the table got louder and louder. Ryan and Virgil went quiet immediately. “Thank you.”</p><p>“Did either of you have exams today?”</p><p>“I had German,” Ryan said. Virgil snorted.</p><p>“Imagine taking a foreign language.”</p><p>“Imagine taking art.”</p><p>“At least I’m good at it,” Virgil shoved pasta into his mouth. “I got my physics test back. I got a B.”</p><p>“Well done! That’s really good!” Virgil’s mom praised.</p><p>“Oh did I tell you I got my history exam back?” Ryan butted in. “I got a B+! Miss said she was really pleased with me!”</p><p>“Brilliant job little guy,” Virgil’s dad said as he finished his food. He stood up and collected his and his wife’s plate, placing them in the dishwasher. Virgil finished not much later and was quickly followed by Ryan.</p><p>“Uh imma head up to finish the art, do some math and then maybe get an early night,” Virgil told his parents as they went to the living room. His mom nodded and he trekked up the stairs.</p><p>He entered his room and shut his door, flopping into his chair. Sometimes socialising was just so <em>hard</em>, even though it was just his family. He checked his phone. Vinnie hadn’t texted him and he had about a million messages from his group chat with Janus and Remus, and then another with Patton and Logan as well as the others.</p><p>
  <em><b>Rat Boy🐀: </b>&gt;:( youre so mean jannie</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Jan🐍: </b>You are not going to set fire to paper in your bedroom.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Rat Boy🐀: </b>whyyyyyyy</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Jan🐍: </b>Because I said so. And you’d probably burn the house down. Lorna is like the sweetest person ever.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Rat Boy🐀: </b>not me? :(</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Jan🐍: 🙄 </b>and you</em>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Rat Boy🐀 is typing....</em> </b>
</p><p>Virgil marked the messages as complete and turned his phone off again. He opened up his sketchbook and turned to a clean page. Vent art honestly seemed the best idea right now. Or any art. He just didn’t want to think too deeply about anything. And it relaxed him so....huh, maybe he should send his therapist a text. That might not be a bad idea.</p><p>A couple of hours later, Virgil had two pages littered with doodles and sketches and scribbles. He closed his sketchbook and got into bed. Lying down, he folded his hands over his stomach and turned some music on in his headphones. </p><p>Virgil loved Vinnie. There was no doubt about that. He loved Vinnie and he loved everything <em>about</em> Vinnie. He loved how Vinnie was so careful with his words, how Vinnie didn’t swear unless he was genuinely scared or mad, how Vinnie always used pet names for him. Virgil couldn’t imagine life without him. He just wanted to hug him and kiss him and wake up next to him and spend every day of his life with him.</p><p>But part of him wanted that with Roman too. Part of him wanted to hold Roman close, to brush the tears off his cheeks and tell him that everything was going to be okay. Part of him wanted to cuddle on the couch and watch Disney films and hear how Roman got so passionate about them. And maybe, just maybe, a part of him loved Roman.</p><p> Virgil sighed and turned off his headphones. He rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, pulling the duvet up to his chin. Tomorrow was a fresh day, perhaps he could address his feelings then.</p><p>***</p><p>“Moooommmmm! Virgil’s being a dickhead again!”</p><p>Virgil flicked his brother’s head and sat at the kitchen island, shoveling cereal into his mouth.</p><p>“Virge! You gotta leave soon!”</p><p>“M nearly ready!” He called through a mouthful of cereal. He finished quickly, and ran upstairs to grab his portfolio case before sliding down the stairs into the hall. He pulled on his shoes, swung his bag on his back and left the house. Ryan was waiting in the car outside.</p><p>“Virgil come on I wanted to get to school early. Elias said they had math homework answers or something.”</p><p>“You really shouldn’t be cheating Ry. It’s not gonna help you in the long run.”</p><p>Ryan stuck his tongue out. “Like you haven’t done it.”</p><p>“And have I turned out well?” Virgil turned the key and started up the car. He put his foot on the pedal and pulled out of the drive.</p><p>“Uh yes? You’re good at shit, I’m not.”</p><p>“You could be if you tried.”</p><p>“YoU cOulD bE iF yOu triEd - wow mom I didn’t know you were driving me to school today.”</p><p>Virgil reached over and pinched Ryan while waiting at some traffic lights. “Shut up.”</p><p>Ryan flipped him off and glared out of the window. Virgil felt a pang of regret, but shook it off. Ryan wasn’t actually hurt by that, was he?</p><p>“Hey Ryan? I didn’t actually hurt you did I?”</p><p>“What, by pinching me?” Ryan laughed. “Like your weak-ass self could do anything.”</p><p>“No, I meant words,” Virgil stared straight ahead as he pulled into the school car park. “You know I was just playing around right? I didn’t actually mean it and I never do.”</p><p>Ryan studied his brother’s face for a second. He must’ve seen a hint of nervousness or worry in Virgil, because he shook his head and answered honestly.</p><p>“I’m fine Virge, I promise. It’ll take more than a few words to hurt me.” He opened his car door. “See ya after school.”</p><p>“Alright. Stay safe Ry, okay?”</p><p>Virgil sat in his car a little while longer. It was cold outside, being January, and he wasn’t ready to brave that yet. He pulled out his phone and opened his messages. Might as well text his therapist.</p><p>
  <em>Hi...I’m really sorry to bother you but I’ve been feeling kinda low recently. I’ve tried my usual techniques but they aren’t helping much. Yes, I’m still taking my meds; no I haven’t done anything. I just was wondering if you had any advice? Reply when you’re free, I’m not too bothered.</em>
</p><p>His eyes skimmed over the message one final time before he pressed send. He hoped she’d reply soon - he wasn’t sure how long he could last without breaking down in a bathroom stall.</p><p>Turning round, Virgil grabbed his bag and portfolio case and exited the car. The walk from the car park to his homeroom wasn’t far and he got in just before the bell went. As always, he sat in the corner, away from everyone. Janus was in a different room and Remus currently hated his guts.</p><p>“Alright listen up! We have the pop quiz today, as arranged by the head of year. I want you all to be participating okay?”</p><p>Virgil sighed and sat up more attentively. His phone vibrated in his pocket. Quickly, he glanced around to check no one was looking in his direction and pulled it out. His therapist. Neat.</p><p>
  <em><b>Violet: </b>Hey Virgil. It’s nice to hear from you, although I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time. Would you mind telling me what’s been on your mind?</em>
</p><p>Okay. He could do this. Violet wasn’t going to judge him and she knew the best way to help him. He could do this.</p><p>
  <em>So a few months ago I found out my soulmate wasn’t who I thought it was. And stupidly, I ignored it in the hopes we’d both forget. But that didn’t happen and I talked to Vinnie last night and now I know how I feel about both of them and it’s confusing and hard and scary.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>Violet is typing...</b> </em>
</p><p>Virgil bit his nail and looked up at the question on the board: ‘What is the capital of Switzerland?’</p><p>“Right does anyone actually know the answer or are we gonna move on?”</p><p>
  <em>Capital of Switzerland...capital....Bern? Bern.</em>
</p><p>“I think it’s Bern!” He called over the other voices. His teacher nodded.</p><p>“Anyone else got other ideas or do we agree with that?”</p><p>No one replied and so she jotted it down on their answer sheet. Virgil stole a quick look at his phone again.</p><p>
  <em><b>Violet: </b>It’s perfectly reasonable that you feel that way Virgil. We can talk about this at our next session, unless you wanna bring it forwards?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I think I’d like to bring it forwards. When to?</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Violet: </b>Let me check the schedule.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>Violet is typing....</b> </em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Violet: </b>I was going to say this weekend but I’ve just been informed that someone cancelled their appointment today. Can you make it for 10:30 or is that too much of a late notice?</em>
</p><p>Virgil paused. Ten-thirty was a lot sooner than he expected. He wanted to talk to Violet, he just liked to be prepared mentally for appointments. Plus, there was the issue of getting his mom to contact the school so he could have time out.</p><p>
  <em>Yeah sure that’s fine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Violet: </b>Great! For the minute, try to focus on something in school okay? I’ll see you then :)</em>
</p><p>Virgil turned off his phone, just as his teacher finished the quiz.</p><p>“Okay, have a good day everyone. I’ll see you tomorrow.”</p><p>Students grabbed their bags and left their seats. Virgil got up and checked his timetable. Art. Oh dear.</p><p>***</p><p>Roman dumped his portfolio on the table in front of him and took out his project book. The pages were beginning to be filled to a point the book didn’t even close flatly now. Someone placed their portfolio down next to his, and if it weren’t for him recognising the hand and nail polish, Roman wouldn’t have paid much notice to them. </p><p>He looked up to see Virgil next to him. The other boy’s eyes were darting nervously around the room and he looked about seven seconds away from a panic attack. Roman ignored him  and continued to get ready for the lesson. Virgil did the same next to him, but his hands were shaking slightly.</p><p>Their teacher started talking about something but Roman was only half listening. His eyes were on Virgil.</p><p>
  <em>Should I help him? But what if he doesn’t want my help? Who am I kidding he’s having a panic attack I think he’d want /anyone/ to help. What if I’m reading it wrong? I’m not. But what if I am? Then at least he knows I care. </em>
</p><p>Roman raised his hand. “Sir?”</p><p>“Yes Roman?”</p><p>“I think the chaplain wanted to see me and Virgil about something. I’m not sure what but I got a note this morning.”</p><p>The teacher raised his eyebrow but nodded to say the two could leave. Roman grabbed Virgil’s arm and pulled him into the corridor, releasing him when they were in a corner alone.</p><p>“What the hell?” Virgil hissed. His voice was wobbling slightly, giving him away.</p><p>“Virgil. Listen to me. I want you to tell me five things you can see.”</p><p>Virgil laughed. “What? Roman, you’re being ridiculous, let me go back to class.”</p><p>“No.” Roman grabbed Virgil’s arm again. “Five things you can see. Go.”</p><p>“Inescapable death, detention for skipping class-”</p><p>“Wrong. Try again.”</p><p>Virgil rolled his eyes. “The window. The art from previous students, the classroom doors. The white brick on the wall and the fucking disgusting carpet.”</p><p>“Good. Four things you can touch?”</p><p>“My hoodie, the wall, my hair,” Virgil paused. “The flowers.”</p><p>Roman averted his eyes at that, but continued talking. “Three things you can hear.”</p><p>“Students talking, someone opening a door, a teacher shouting. Is that Mr Kilroy?”</p><p>“Might be,” Roman shrugged. “Fuck if I know. Two things you can smell?”</p><p>“Food from tech downstairs. Uhhh...paint?”</p><p>“It’ll do. One thing you can taste.”</p><p>“Bile.” As sarcastic as Virgil sounded, he did seem to have calmed down. He pulled a fidget cube out of his pocket.</p><p>“Any better?” Roman asked.</p><p>“A little,” Virgil looked up at Roman. He felt a pang as he realised once again how pretty Virgil was. “Thanks Princey.”</p><p>“<em>De nada</em>, Virgil,” Roman extended his hand. “Back to class?”</p><p>Virgil didn’t answer, stalking past him and into the art corridor. Roman sighed and let his hand fall to his side. He knew Virgil went out of his way to avoid him, but he at least was expecting a simple thank you. Roman pulled his phone out of his pocket and sent a text to his mom. Today might have to be a mental health day.</p><p>***</p><p>As it turned out, Virgil was given leave for therapy and he arrived perfectly on time. Violet was waiting when he got there, and she ushered him in quickly.</p><p>“Hi Virgil. How was school?”</p><p>“I kinda had a panic attack but a friend helped,” he said, sitting down. “I’m better now.”</p><p>“How did the friend help?”</p><p>“Grounding. We did the five, four, three, two, one thing.”</p><p>“That’s good. You might not be at a point to do it by yourself right now, but I know you can so I won’t press it,” Violet brushed her light hair out of her eyes. “Where do you want to start with the soulmate thing?”</p><p>“At the beginning, I guess,” And so he did. He told her about becoming friends with the Prince’s, about Roman’s admission, about Remus’ birthday and everything that happened from thereon. He told her about the minor relapse he had, about Roman and about the flowers that were still on his arms. He told her everything, let all his feelings and fears and worries out.</p><p>“That’s quite a story,” Violet said. “So Roman is your soulmate, yes?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Virgil sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, I love Vinnie and I want to continue dating him. But I feel awful because....I kind of like Roman too. I can’t decide who’s more important, or who I like more. Am I horrible? Or do I just feel sorry for Roman?”</p><p>“Only you can decide that,” Violet said. “However, if you do have feelings for Roman too, you aren’t a horrible person.”</p><p>“And who decides that? I literally like two people, that would make me selfish and also shallow. I can’t love two people.” Virgil spread his hands out. “It’s not possible.”</p><p>Violet folded her hands on her lap. “Virgil, you’re gay, correct?”</p><p>“Obviously.”</p><p>“Not particularly,” Violet waved her hand. “Bisexuality exists remember? What I mean is - you’re familiar with the LGBTQ+ community.” </p><p>“Yeah?” Virgil felt uneasy. Was this where he found out Violet was homophobic and wanted nothing more to do with him? Probably.</p><p>“Have you ever heard of the term ‘polyamory’ Virgil?”</p><p>What?</p><p>“I haven’t.”</p><p>Violet smiled. “I have some explaining to do then! Polyamory refers to when a person has multiple romantic partners. The partners might all be involved with each other, but they might not. Simply put: it might be something you want to look into Virgil.”</p><p>“Isn’t that just cheating though?” Virgil asked. “That’s the whole reason I didn’t address this. I didn’t want to cheat on Vin.”</p><p>Violet shook her head. “It’s completely consensual. All parties involved must give their consent to be in a polyamorous relationship.”</p><p>Virgil debated the idea. Being with both of them was possible? It wasn’t weird? <em>But how would they get along with each other? </em>They wouldn’t. Roman would either have a grudge against Vinnie or constantly feel usurped by him. And Vinnie, as much as Virgil knew his boyfriend would try it to please him, wouldn’t really be happy.</p><p>“I’m not saying you have to do it, by any means,” Violet said. “I’m just saying that you aren’t messed up, and you might wanna consider it.”</p><p>“I’ll think about it. Thank you, that’s...relieved me somewhat,” Virgil smiled, pulling out his fidget cube and beginning to fiddle with it.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about anything else?”</p><p>“I don’t think so. I haven’t relapsed since last month. The thought has crossed my mind but I haven’t acted on it.”</p><p>“That’s good. You’re doing really well Virgil.”</p><p>Virgil smiled. “Thanks.”</p><p>***</p><p>Virgil locked the door as he came in from school. Ryan had already kicked his shoes off and dumped his bag at the bottom of the stairs; Virgil was not impressed by his brother’s lack of organisation. He picked up the bag and shoes and moved them to the side before heading to his room to put his own things down.</p><p>As he moved to the kitchen to get some snacks, his phone buzzed. Surprisingly, the message was from Vinnie.</p><p>
  <em><b>Vin: </b>Hey, I didn’t see you at lunch today? Is everything okay?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Actually, about that. I’m fine, I was just in the library. But I went to see Violet today because...well, I was gonna see her at the weekend but someone cancelled and blah blah, all the rest. Point is, we got to talk about my feelings and I think I figured something out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vin: </b>Oh?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Have you heard of polyamorous relationships?  </em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vin: </b>Oh god I cannot tell you how glad I am that you think it’s okay. I was actually going to bring it up myself but I wasn’t sure how you’d react.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Wait what?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You were gonna bring it up?</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vin: </b>Well yeah. It’s not my place to decide but I thought it might be....an idea? I’ve been in a poly relationship before so the idea isn’t foreign to me.</em>
</p><p>Virgil was smiling softly. He let out a loose laugh, sighing in relief. He couldn’t believe it. This might work out.</p><p>
  <em>Oh my god you have no idea how relieved I am</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vin: </b>I have a fairly good idea 😂</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vin: </b>Anyway, why’d you ask?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You’ve probably guessed</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vin: </b>But you need to tell me, because this is your decision. I can’t put words in your mouth</em>
</p><p>
  <em>&gt;:( Fine</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I was wondering if you would be interested in inviting Roman into our relationship?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Is that the right way to word it? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You don’t have to say yes, and you don’t have to be involved with him of course-</em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>Vin is typing...</b> </em>
</p><p>Virgil felt a wave of nausea rush over him. He put his phone in his pocket and glanced round. Why had he come to the kitchen? Oh right, snacks. Reaching up into a cupboard, he pulled out a pack of crisps and headed back to his room. On the way, his mom popped her head out of the living room.</p><p>“Hey Virge. Mind telling Ryan to quieten down a bit?”</p><p>“Will do mom.”</p><p>As he tiptoed across the upstairs hallway, he heard his brother screaming into his mic. He pushed the door open and glared at Ryan.</p><p>“Mom says to shut up,” he said.</p><p>“Liar,”</p><p>“I’m not. But if you wanna get in trouble, that’s your problem.”</p><p>“Fuck off.”</p><p>Virgil shrugged and shut the door. He headed back to his room and sat on the floor, opening his sketchbook. He pulled a pencil out and started sketching. The nervous feeling him his belly had lessened but he could still feel his stomach churning beneath it all. If Vinnie said no, what was he planning on doing? Who was he going to choose? <em>No one, </em>a voice whispered. <em>Pick neither. Ignore the options and find someone else. Not like either would care.</em></p><p>His phone buzzed again in his pocket. Sighing, he finished the line for the person’s shirt and pulled it out. Surprisingly, it wasn’t Vinnie. It was Janus.</p><p>
  <em><b>Jan🐍: </b>Oi loverboy. Get your ass downstairs otherwise Remus is gonna eat all the pocky sticks that mom brought back </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I think you meant for this to go to Roman?</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Jan🐍: </b>Oh shoot yeah. Sorry Vee. By the way, I do have a pack of pocky sticks for you - meet me by the Tree tomorrow?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sure Jan</em>
</p><p>
  <em>...you aren’t mad at me are you?</em>
</p><p>Receiving no immediate reply, Virgil turned his phone off and went back to doodling. The uneasy feeling was back. His pen swirled across the page creating face after face after face. The expressions ranged from manically happy to sobbing wrecks. Virgil took pride in the variety he could draw, but today he simply wasn’t concentrating. He just needed to doodle, to focus on something so his mind wouldn’t wander. </p><p>One, a smiling face. Two, a darkened expression. Three, manic tears. Four, crying. Five, neutral. Six, slightly pleased. Seven, a buzz at his hip. Wait. Virgil whipped his phone out of his pocket. Janus and Vinnie. Shit. He opened up Janus’ message first.</p><p>
  <em><b>Jan🐍: </b>no? Why would I be?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Idk im just a bit nervous over something. see ya, snake boy</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Jan🐍: </b>Bye?</em>
</p><p>Virgil closed the conversation with Janus and switched over to Vinnie. The nerves in his stomach seemed to knot together even more, if that was possible. If he didn’t get a straightforward reply, he might just throw up.</p><p>
  <em><b>Vin: </b>I am perfectly okay with that Virgil. Although I can’t say I’m interested in Roman currently, we can definitely get along. You need to ask Roman as well okay? Would you like a hand with preparing a text?</em>
</p><p>And just like that, the nerves in his stomach had dissipated. Sure, he had to deal with Roman and all that but <em>Vinnie didn’t hate him. </em>Vinnie still wanted to date him and, moreover, Vinnie was giving him the opportunity to be with Roman.</p><p>
  <em>I would, if you don’t mind? But I do want to say it in person rather than just over text</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vin: </b>That’s cool. Why don’t we plan it now?</em>
</p><p>***</p><p>Vinnie sighed as he stared down at his phone. He loved Virgil, truly, and he wanted to make him happy. But Roman....had literally nothing in common with him. Roman was a theatre kid, Vinnie was much more academic. If it weren’t for Virgil, Vinnie had no doubt that he would’ve been a target for mockery or bullying. </p><p>Vinnie was also worried about how much Virgil and Roman would lean on each other. He knew that Roman was struggling right now; and he also knew about Virgil’s self-destructive tendencies. He had no doubt that Virgil would push himself to help Roman, and that he would do so until he snapped. And Vinnie didn’t want that. He could tell Virgil had been getting worse since that day and he hated every second of it. He missed the smile that would grace Virgil’s face when Vinnie made him laugh. The pure delight that took over when he infodumped on a subject that he loved. The little concentration lines that would form whenever he was sketching, and the way he would shyly show it to Vinnie. All of that had gone. And Vinnie was so, so worried that he’d never get it back.</p><p>He wanted to trust Virgil, he really did. But sometimes it was so <em>hard</em>. Virgil sometimes didn’t want to talk about it, or didn’t want to talk to Vinnie. And sure, that’s fine, Vinnie accepted that. But he cared for Virgil too.</p><p>Vinnie shook his head, as if to empty the thoughts. He needed to focus. Virgil had asked for his help and he was fully prepared to give that.</p><p>
  <em>Okay, so what do you want to say?</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vee💜: </b>Well I wanna ask him out. Obviously. But I also need to make it clear that it would be poly, and that I’d still be dating you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Alright. Well how about we start with the obvious - how you’re going to ask him out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vee💜: </b>lemme write this in my notes</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vee💜: </b>How does this sound: hey Roman. I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date with me sometime after school this week?</em>
</p><p>Vinnie smiled. Virgil seemed so nervous, Vinnie could even see that through his texting. </p><p>
  <em>That sounds good. For mentioning the poly, you want to be firm but kind at once. Something along the lines of: ‘I want to make it clear that I will still be dating Vinnie, however we are both comfortable with opening up our relationship. I’m not expecting you two to be with each other or anything (I won’t stop you if you want to, but that’s between you two). If you don’t want to date while I’m dating Vinnie, that is also okay.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>How does that sound?</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Vee💜: </b>Good. Thank you Vinnie. I love you so fucking much.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love you to Virge. Sleep well x</em>
</p><p>Vinnie turned off his phone. God, he hoped this would work out and Virgil would be back to his usual self soon. And maybe, Roman would be here this time round as well.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey I’m still alive<br/>I have like, two chapters more planned out for this and a general idea of where I want it to go, so updates might take a bit longer now.<br/>But as always, I hope you enjoy! I apologise if I misrepresented anything in this and please comment to correct me!<br/>Also this is mostly angst-free :DD<br/>CW // OCD behaviour, a couple of bad thoughts, mention of drugs, self-harm thoughts</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun was shining weakly through the clouds, casting a slightly dappled shadow onto the ground underneath Virgil. He was sitting against the Tree, throwing an old tennis ball up and down as he waited for Janus.</p><p>The older boy had, per the other’s request, waited under an oak tree to get a packet of pocky sticks from Janus. His mom had apparently returned from her work with bags full and Janus was making a huge deal of giving them out to people.</p><p>A yellow head was making its way through the crowd, and Virgil stood up. Janus pushed through, flicking his his hair out of his face as he did. His yellow beanie rested atop his head, with badges that were both gifted from Remus (the rat and ever-appropriate ‘I pissed in the pool’ badge) and bought with his own money (a pride badge and one that said ‘sorry if I looked interested. I’m not’ - amongst others. Virgil honestly didn’t know whether the second was from Remus or Janus’ own choice) on top.</p><p>“Virgil!” Janus sat down in the leaves next to him. Virgil stopped throwing the ball and smiled at Janus.</p><p>“Heyyy.”</p><p>Janus held out the red pocky sticks packet. Virgil took it, snapping open the lid and pulling one out. He shoved it in his mouth.</p><p>“You seem to be in a good mood today,” Janus commented. Virgil scowled.</p><p>“Don’t blow it.”</p><p>Janus put his hands up defensively. “You wanna hang with us at lunch?”</p><p>Virgil swallowed. <em>You can do this. </em>He just had to talk to Roman, that’s all. “Would Remus be okay with that? I need to talk to Roman, actually.”</p><p>Janus shrugged. “He’s gonna have to deal with it.”</p><p>“I guess.” </p><p>They sat under the Tree for a while longer, pocky sticks between them. At one point, the wind blew the pack over and both Virgil and Janus reached for the box. Virgil got it first and held it triumphantly above his head. Janus smiled and leaned back, closing his eyes as the sunlight fell on his skin. Virgil picked up a handful of dirt and leaves. He jammed them down Janus’ t-shirt and immediately stood up, ready to bolt.</p><p>“What the fuck dude?!” Janus glared at Virgil. Virgil picked up his bag and swung it over his back.</p><p>“See ya at lunch, snakey.” He headed into the building, leaving a spluttering Janus twisting and attempting to shake leaves out of his shirt. </p><p>***</p><p>“So next lesson we’re going to be going over iteration - make sure to have your calculators. Katie, I’m looking at you.” Virgil put his books in his bag and packed up from the lesson. He swung his bag over his back and headed out the door.</p><p>He could feel a bundle of nerves curling and un-curling in the pit of his stomach. He knew where they would be sat at lunch - they sat at the same table every day and Remus would physically fight off anyone who dared to sit in their spot. He wasn’t nervous about seeing Janus, or even talking to Roman (though the latter definitely surprised him). No, he was most nervous about seeing Remus. The boy had been particularly protective of Roman ever since The Incident. Virgil going anywhere within two metres ended in Remus glaring at him and Virgil quickly backing away.</p><p>Vinnie waved at him as he walked through the cafeteria. Virgil quickly altered his path and hurried over to his boyfriend.</p><p>“Hey, can I borrow you for a second?”</p><p>Vinnie glanced at his friends, who were poring over their notes and books from class. One of them nodded, and Vinnie stood up. Virgil grabbed his arm and moved them to a corner, out of earshot of Vinnie’s friends.</p><p>“I’m gonna do it,” Virgil said nervously. Vinnie raised an eyebrow, asking for an explanation. “Roman.”</p><p>“Oh!” Vinnie smiled and hugged Virgil tightly. “Good luck. What’s the worst that can happen?”</p><p>“Roman hates me and Remus and Janus cut me off from their lives so I lose all my friends except you. Actually scratch that, you’d probably hate me too.”</p><p>“Let me reiterate,” Vinnie took a step back. “If Roman were to actually reject you, what is the worst he would do?”</p><p>“...he wouldn’t date me?”</p><p>“Exactly,” Vinnie squeezed Virgil’s hand. “You’d still have me, and he might still wanna be your friend.”</p><p>Virgil took a deep breath. “I gotta do this before I chicken out.”</p><p>“Good luck. I love you, kay?”</p><p>Virgil nodded and let Vinnie to return to his friends. He pushed open the door that lead to the seating outside of the cafeteria. Janus spotted him and waved him over. Remus seemed too preoccupied with explaining something while picking apart his sandwich to notice. Virgil sat next to Janus, who smiled reassuringly.</p><p>“And well, I’m just saying - oh hi Virgil - what if I made it so that her parents died? Because angst, ya know.” Roman didn’t seem to fully register Virgil’s appearance at the table. Remus nodded, tapping the table three times before beginning to eat his bread.</p><p>“Ooh you could make it really bloody, like a car accident or something! I’d help with the SFX!”</p><p>“Not necessarily what I had in mind but it would be cool. Oh, maybe I should change the whole premise to focus on the undead and she’s trying to get her parents back or something!”</p><p>“FUCK YEAH!” Remus punched the air and Virgil moved his head to avoid being punched in the nose.</p><p>“Careful!” Roman reached across to slap his brother’s head. Remus, in the middle of tapping the table again, jumped and put his hand up defensively. His face immediately dropped from the smile it had been in.</p><p>“Ro!” His expression became panicked as he tried to settle into the same position again. He tried to tap the table and got two taps down before putting his head in his hands. “No, no, fuck, this is all wrong.”</p><p>“Remus,” Janus laid a hand on Remus’ shoulder. “It is okay. Nothing bad is going to happen.”</p><p>“But we don’t know that. If I don’t get it right I could seriously hurt you all-”</p><p>“You wouldn’t,” Janus reassured him. “I know you wouldn’t.”</p><p>“But-”</p><p>Virgil glanced at Roman. The other looked slightly guilty but other than that, he seemed unfazed. He sipped at his drink as he watched Janus. When Janus looked up at his helplessly, he put it down.</p><p>“Re, shall we try something? Let’s sit like we were talking again.” Roman sa up straighter and started gesticulating like he had been earlier. Remus frowned, clearly not happy. He settled and started listening to Roman as he rambled on. Virgil could see Remus getting increasingly agitated as he tried to tap his fingers correctly. After two minutes, Remus visibly relaxed. He leaned towards Janus and started participating in the conversation more.</p><p>“So that’s a plan then?” Roman asked. Remus nodded.</p><p>“I’ll start planning shit and asking the SFX department if we can borrow stuff.”</p><p>“Thanks. And, I’m sorry by the way.”</p><p>Remus shrugged. “It’s fine. Nothing you could’ve helped.”</p><p>“Uh, have you tried meds yet?” Virgil asked quietly. “Or, talked about them?”</p><p>Roman looked at Virgil curiously.</p><p>“I haven’t,” Remus shrugged. “I only got diagnosed a few weeks ago so we hadn’t talked about it yet. I’ll bring it up next time, I’ve looked into it and they seem like they might help.”</p><p>Virgil nodded, feeling more awkward by the second. “Cool. How has everyone’s day been?”</p><p>“Not awful. Surprisingly I didn’t fail math,” Janus said. Roman made a pained noise.</p><p>“I did.”</p><p>“That’s because you do too much art and drama dumbass,” Remus said. “I did super well on the chemistry test.”</p><p>“That’s really great,” Virgil said. “I’m happy for you.”</p><p>“How was your day?”</p><p>“The same as always. Anxiety filled, boring, you get the idea.”</p><p>Janus nodded. “Highlight of my day is literally psychology and I haven’t had that in <em>three days. </em>Three fucking whole ass days of nothing but shitty lessons!”</p><p>“I thought you enjoyed drama?”</p><p>Janus was silent for a moment. He breathed in putting his hands together. “No!”</p><p>Virgil rubbed his arms. <em>Here goes nothing.</em></p><p>“Uh, Roman. Can I talk to you?”</p><p>“Yeah?” Roman looked at Virgil confused. “Go ahead.”</p><p>“Somewhere,” Virgil felt blood rush to his cheeks. “A bit more private, perhaps?”</p><p>“Oh sure,” Roman closed his lunch and shoved it in his bag, dropping it on the seat. “C’mon.”</p><p>Virgil got up and reluctantly lead Roman to a secluded corner, far from their friends and....well, just about anyone. Doubt filled his mind as he waited for Roman to join him. <em>What if I’m reading this wrong? What if he actually hates me and that’s why Remus has been keeping me away? What if-</em></p><p>“So why’d you bring me over here, Doctor Gloom?” Roman leant against the wall.</p><p>“I uh...” Virgil took a deep breath. <em>C’mon Virge, you can do this. You can do this. </em>“I was wondering if you wanted to go out to the Preston’s with me? You can arrange the date and shit, I’m flexible.”</p><p>“Oh sure. It’d be fun and we could do some of our art project.”</p><p>“No I meant-” Virgil went brick red. God, he wanted to smash his head into a wall and then jump into the dumpster behind the school. “I meant romantically. Like a date.”</p><p>“Oh,” Roman went quiet. Virgil immediately started biting at his nail. <em>Oh god I did read this wrong he hates me Jesus this was a bad idea.</em></p><p>“I need to think about it,” Roman finally said. “Is that alright?”</p><p>“Uh-yeah-sure,” Virgil literally wished a hole would appear in the ground and swallow him up. This was possibly the second most embarrassing position he’d ever been in - the first being when his parents found him crying in his room at 3am with Peppa Pig playing and a bowl of ice cream on the floor.</p><p>Roman nodded and stood off the wall. “You coming back?”</p><p>“I think I’ll pass,” Virgil said. “I’ll grab my stuff and go to the bathroom before math.”</p><p>“Alright,” Roman shrugged. </p><p>
  <em>Good one Virge. You really misread that didn’t you? Congrats idiot. </em>
</p><p>***</p><p>Roman and Remus walked into the house together. Ever since Roman’s ‘incident’ two months prior, they had been making an effort to spend more time together. Family nights had become regular and (without Lorna’s knowledge) they had snuck out to their old treehouse at ridiculous hours when neither of them could sleep.</p><p>“So what did Virge want with you at lunch?” Remus asked as they dumped their bags in the hallway as always.</p><p>“Oh he uh...asked me out?” Roman’s voice went up at the end, as if he were asking a question.</p><p>“He what?!”</p><p>Roman sighed. “Asked me out. Like, on a date.”</p><p>“Roman, please tell me you didn’t say yes?”</p><p>“I didn’t! I said I’d think about it!”</p><p>Remus crossed his arms. “You can’t seriously be considering that?”</p><p>Roman looked at the floor.</p><p>“Oh come <em>on! </em>Fucking hell Roman!”</p><p>“Shut up, would you?!” Roman shouted. “It’s my life! I get to decide when I fuck up. You do not dictate that for me!”</p><p>“Hey, hey!” Lorna came out of the kitchen with flour up to her elbows. “What’s the shouting about boys?”</p><p>“Remus is being a dick!” Roman said.</p><p>“Virgil asked Roman out!” Remus answered at the same time. Lorna held her hand up and both boys shut their mouths.</p><p>“Remus, you first.”</p><p>Roman opened his mouth to protest, but thought better of it.</p><p>“Virgil came and sat with us at lunch, and he went off with Roman after I had an episode - which is irrelevant but I wanna talk to you about it at some point - anyway, Roman just told me that he fuckin’ asked Roman out. Which one: is weird because he’s dating Vinnie and two: Roman is actually considering it?!”</p><p>Lorna glanced at Roman for confirmation.</p><p>“He did. But it’s my choice isn’t it?”</p><p>Lorna sighed. “Remus, please stop pestering your brother. I don’t want to hear you arguing, alright? I’ve just gotta wash up from the baking and then we can sit down and talk about the day.”</p><p>Lorna disappeared back into the kitchen, her ponytail whipping her face as she turned. Remus turned back to Roman again, who put his hands up defensively.</p><p>“You’re absolutely mad, you know that? And unbelievably stupid.” He hissed. Roman walked out of the room.</p><p>“I’m being the bigger person here, and I’m going to leave you alone.”</p><p>“I-FUCK YOU!”</p><p>“Love you too!”</p><p>***</p><p>“So let me get this straight,” Lorna sighed as she hugged the pillow, watching Remus paint his nails dangerously close to the pot of black polish. “Well, as straight as two gay boys can be. Virgil asked you on a date to Preston’s Café at lunch and you said you were going to think about it. Because you wanted to ask me?”</p><p>Roman nodded. “Well yeah. I mean, you were the best person I could think to ask, mom.”</p><p>“Roman, sweetie,” Lorna smiled sadly. “I can’t advise you on this. It’s up to you. This isn’t the type of thing I can make your decisions for.”</p><p>“But-”</p><p>“I’m not doing this to hurt you, my Prince. I’m just trying to help. I’m here if you decide to go and it doesn’t go well, alright?”</p><p>Roman nodded dejectedly. “Okay.”</p><p>“How about we watch a film? My lord Duke, are you prepared to make a decision?” Lorna held her hand out in such a theatrical way that Roman would have thought she was still in her prime days at the theatre.</p><p>Remus jumped up, sprinting to the shelf and nearly knocking everything down. As he searched through the DVDs, the doorbell rang. Lorna moved to get up, but Roman but his hand up.</p><p>“Let me get it,” He stood up and moved out of the room. <em>Good, now you aren’t annoying anyone. Perhaps you’ll be allowed to help pick the movie.</em></p><p>Fiddling with the keys in the bowl, Roman glanced through the deformed glass that served as a window. A tall figure was stood outside, wearing what Roman could only guess was a dark winter coat. He frowned. Why would they be here of all places? Directions, perhaps?</p><p>He found the key and slotted into the lock. Opening the door, he stepped back slightly as a whiff of some unpleasant smell hit him.</p><p>“Hello. How may I help you?”</p><p>The tall figure looked at Roman. His face softened.</p><p>“Roman. Dear god, you’ve gotten so tall! Can I come in?”</p><p>Roman felt his stomach turn. “Do I know you?”</p><p>“It’s me. Your dad?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>The man sighed, putting a hand up to rub at his face. “Look kid, just let me in. I’ll explain more, but....wait, is Lorna home?”</p><p>As if she sensed her name, Lorna appeared in the hallway. She took one look at the man standing outside their door and she ran forward, arm in front of Roman protectively. Roman’s dad sighed.</p><p>“Lorna. What a pleasure to see you.”</p><p>“Get the fuck out of my property.”</p><p>“Lorna, we can talk about this. I have a right to see them both, I want to make up for being absent.”</p><p>“Well then why weren’t you here when they needed raising? Why didn’t you come when they needed a dad instead of a mom?”</p><p>“Lorna you know I couldn’t-”</p><p>“Oh that’s <em>right</em>, Michael. You were in <em>prison</em>!” Sarcasm filled Lorna’s voice. Roman didn’t think he had ever heard his mom like this: so angry, so upset and so full of hate. Remus poked his head round the door and Roman immediately ran to him, seeking comfort in his brother’s arms. Remus grabbed him, confused.</p><p>“What-?”</p><p>“Dad.”</p><p>“Wait what?” Remus glanced at the stranger who was arguing with their mom in the doorway.</p><p>“You need me, Lorna. Look at you, look at them. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that they’re gay!”</p><p>Roman and Remus both flinched. Their dad....well, Roman supposed it was obvious. He didn’t look the type to support gay rights, but he hoped that he at least just wasn’t outwardly supportive.</p><p>“I’m not letting you ruin their lives like you ruined mine,” Lorna stepped closer. “Look at you. You smell like fucking drugs, even now. You think I’m letting my only two sons into a drug hostel? Do you have any idea how much that would affect them? Jesus Christ, you make me sick. Just leave.”</p><p>“Lorna-” But she was already shutting the door. She turned around to Roman, her face painfully cold. </p><p>“Go back into the living room,” she told them. “I’ll sort this out okay? The movie’s already playing.”</p><p>Roman nodded and tugged Remus back into the living room. Remus was beginning to stress. He ripped his arm out of Roman’s grip and started hitting his head.</p><p>“Bad, bad, bad,” he muttered. “This is my fault, this is what happens when I don’t fuckin-“</p><p>“Remus.” Roman grabbed his brother's arms. “It’s not your fault. Mom’s just gonna talk to him. I’m sure nothing-”</p><p>Roman winced as a yell came from the hall.</p><p>“YOU KNOW YOU NEED ME YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH!”</p><p>“I don’t. And I recommend you leave before I or one of the neighbours calls the police.”</p><p>“Tch. You’re going to regret this.”</p><p>“Yeah, I don’t think so.” The door slammed and Lorna came back to the living room. Roman looked at Lorna, silently begging to be excused.</p><p>“Hey, Remus?” Lorna came closer. “Remus, it’s okay.”</p><p>Remus started pacing the room, pausing after each three sets. Lorna rubbed her temples and sat on the sofa. Roman slowly moved to the door, being careful to keep out of Remus’ way. As soon as his back it the doorframe he turned round and went upstairs, grabbing his bag while he did.</p><p>Pushing open his door, Roman opened his phone and went to his messages. He opened up Virgil’s. Looking at their last conversation sent a pang of sadness through Roman. He had missed talking to Virgil, albeit in their usual sarcastic banter which sometimes dug deeper than intended.</p><p>
  <em>Hey Virge. I know we haven’t talked in a while but I kind of need to vent right now. Would that be alright? You don’t have to say yes if you don’t want to</em>
</p><p>Roman heard a glass drop downstairs, and then muttering. The back door opened and he saw Remus run into the yard holding three plates. His brother put two of them down in the grass by a wall. The third he picked up and hurled at said wall. Roman watched as the plate shattered.</p><p><b>Virgil: </b> <em>Sure, go ahead. What happened?</em></p><p>
  <em>My dad apparently turned up...my mom said it was him, anyway. And uh, he argued with mom and there was shouting but also Remus’ OCD is bad again and it’s honestly so overwhelming and I don’t know what to do. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I feel like I’m being a bad brother and that I’m selfish and that I can’t do anything right. Like, I just...he turned up out of nowhere and immediately threw us into panic.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>That sucks. I don’t really know how to help...perhaps talk to your mom and tell her how you feel about all of this? It’s probably not as bad as you think</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>Shoot that came out wrong-</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>I meant it might not be as worrying as your brain is tricking you into thinking</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s fine. And I can’t tell mom. I’d be a burden on her and she needs to think this through too.</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>I’m sure you aren’t a burden on her. How do you want me to help rn?</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>As in, comfort, advice etc?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m worried I might</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Y’know</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Can we talk about the art project?</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>Yeah of course!</em>
</p><p>Roman smiled as Virgil began asking questions about Roman’s plans for his project. The distraction was nice, and the thoughts flitting around Roman’s head quietened. Before he knew it, he had been chatting to Virgil for an hour. A golden glow spread through his room, hitting his phone and causing him to squint and look at the window. He stood up and pulled his curtain, still messaging Virgil.</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>Oh that sounds so fuckin cool. I have vague ideas of what I wanna do but like, nothing solid</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yeah well I’ve been excited for this project since I heard the syllabus. So I planned early haha</em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>Virgil is typing....</b> </em>
</p><p>“Roman! Dinner’s on the table!”</p><p>Roman’s stomach growled loudly at the mention of food. Somehow the scent had managed to evade him until now.</p><p>
  <em>Ugh I gotta go to dinner</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>Ah that’s cool. Enjoy!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I will</em>
</p><p>Roman’s hand hovered above his keyboard. Should he...? <em>No, it was just a joke. He feels sorry for you, that’s why he- </em>No. Virgil wasn’t like that, Roman <em>knew</em> he wasn’t. Oh, what did he have to loose at this point? His dignity? He lost that two months ago.</p><p>
  <em>Also, I’m up for the date. How about this Thursday after school?</em>
</p><p>***</p><p>Virgil squealed and dropped his phone when he read what Roman sent. Picking it up, he typed back a quick ‘yes that’s perfect’ before opening up Patton’s messages. They had been texting for a while and Patton was the only other person who Virgil liked Roman (the first being Vinnie, of course). The pun-loving kid had been so kind with Virgil, letting him think out loud and clarify plans. Virgil could never express his gratitude to Patton enough.</p><p>
  <em>Pat!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>PAT GUESS WHAT</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Patton: </b>What?!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>YA BOI GOT THE DATE!</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Patton: </b>omg that’s amazing🥺I’m so happy for you</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Patton: </b>EEEE MY SON HAS A DATEEEEEEE</em>
</p><p>
  <em>when I tell you I squealed-</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I didn’t expect this at aLL fgsjajhsksna</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Patton: </b>oh I hope it goes well! What date did you set?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Thursday after school-</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Patton: </b>THIS THURSDAY?!</em>
</p><p>
  <em>YES!!</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Patton: </b>OMGGGGGGGGG</em>
</p><p>Virgil couldn’t contain his smile as he stared at Patton typing back. It was like a weight had just evaporated and he felt like he was floating. Roman had said yes. <em>He had said yes. </em>Roman wanted to give it a chance.</p><p>His phone buzzed in his pocket. <br/><br/></p><p>
  <strong><em>Roman:</em> </strong>
  <em>What about Vinnie tho? Are you two alright?</em>
</p><p>Shit. Virgil had forgotten about that.</p><p>
  <em>Uh yeah, about that...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>we’re still together. I uh...polyamorous?</em>
</p><p>Great job on that one Virge. Brilliant use of the English language. Roman probably didn’t even know what that meant. Now the awkward explanation and the whole ‘Ah right. I’m not...into that’ was going to follow, and Roman would avoid him and laugh behind his back and <em>calm down. </em><br/><br/></p><p>
  <em><b>Roman: </b>I think I heard of that once but I have no idea what it actually means. Could you explain?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>right. yeah.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>basically I’d date you and vin at the same time? you don’t need to be involved with each other or anything (I mean I’d prefer if you got along since it doesn’t seem very healthy if you don’t) but if you do, that’s between you and him.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <em>Roman:</em>
  </strong>
  <em> Oh that’s cool. </em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>Roman: </strong>WAIT DOES THAT MEAN WE GET TO PLAN BIRTHDAY STUFF BEHIND YOUR BACK?!</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Roman: </b>oh shit I actually have to go now sorry. Ttyl!<b></b></em>
</p><p>“VIRGIL! Mom says get down here now otherwise you’re gonna have dinner cold!”</p><p>“Coming!” Virgil glanced down at his phone and sent a quick message to Patton telling him that he needed to go eat. He shoved his phone in his pocket and headed downstairs.</p><p>“What are you smiling about?” Ryan teased. Virgil rubbed the back of his neck.</p><p>“Oh, nothing.”</p><p>“Liar, liar, pants on fire. I bet it’s cos of...hm, either Vinnie or Roman.”</p><p>“Roman?” Virgil’s mother asked. His dad was currently at work and didn’t get back until a lot later. </p><p>“He’s a boy in Virgil’s art class and Virgil has a crush on himmmmmmmmm~” Ryan giggled, then yelped as Virgil slapped the back of his head.</p><p>“Oh? How come I haven’t heard of this Roman?”</p><p>“Because he’s just a friend!”</p><p>“What happened to Vinnie?”</p><p>“Eh we’re still good,” Virgil glared at Ryan, who was innocently eating the chicken pie in front of him. “Nothings happened and I’m still dating him. I don’t know where Ryan got the idea of a crush from.”</p><p>His mother raised an eyebrow but let it slide. The table lapsed into silence, except for the sound of forks scratching against plates.</p><p>“Actually I need to go out on Thursday,” Virgil said after a few minutes.</p><p>“What for?”</p><p>“Going out with a friend.”</p><p>“Who? And where?”</p><p>“Vinnie, to Preston’s Café. It’s only gonna be a few hours.”</p><p>Virgil’s mother put her fork down and sipped from her glass, ring clinking against it. Virgil tapped his foot on the floor earning a glare from Ryan.</p><p><em>‘What?’ </em>He mouthed.</p><p>
  <em>‘Stop.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘I’m anxious dude, I can’t.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Try and do it less then!’</em>
</p><p>“Fine. But you have to be back before 9 and keep your phone on to keep me updated, okay?”</p><p>Virgil breathed a sigh of relief. “Yeah. Thanks.”</p><p>He finished his food and took his plate to the sink, making sure to rinse it and put it in the dishwasher. Ryan quickly followed, scraping off the remaining food on his plate. Virgil grabbed his brother’s arm as he dashed up the stairs.</p><p>“What the hell was that for?!” He hissed.</p><p>“Whatttttt?”</p><p>“The whole crush thing?! You know mom doesn’t know!”</p><p>“And? It was just a joke, jeez,” Ryan rolled his eyes. “Lighten up bitch.”</p><p>“But you <em>know </em>mom barely tolerates Vinnie,” Virgil ran a hand through his hair. His brother was <em>really </em>testing his patience. “Just be more goddamn careful okay?”</p><p>“Yeah yeah, whatever. Can I go?” Ryan wiggled his arm. Virgil released it.</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>***</p><p>Roman sat up and pulled his duvet around him. For the fifth time that night, he had woken up. He hadn’t had a good sleep in a while, but it had been improving. Now it seemed he was back to square one.</p><p><em>You could go downstairs, </em>a voice whispered again. <em>Go down, get the scissors or the knife - heck, even a lighter or some paper.</em></p><p>God damn it. He got out of bed, dragging his duvet with him. He hissed as his feet hit the cold wood outside of his bedroom. Remus might be up, if he was lucky.</p><p>Roman paused outside of his brother’s door. Heavy breathing and pacing informed him that he was correct about Remus being awake. He pushed the door open softly, attempting to hide the creak that always accompanied it. Unfortunately, the door did not like Roman. It creaked loudly, causing Remus to turn around abruptly. His brother tensed up, eyes wide, before softening when he saw the poor sight that was Roman stood in his doorway.</p><p>“Couldn’t sleep?” He asked gently. Roman nodded. “Wanna go to the treehouse?”</p><p>“Please,” Roman pulled his duvet closer to himself. Remus grabbed his own blanket and chucked a pair of socks at Roman.</p><p>“Put those on. We wouldn’t want your pretty little feet freezing.”</p><p>“I can go back to my room,” Roman grumbled.</p><p>“But there’s no point because my room is closer to the stairs.”</p><p>Roman sighed and put the socks on. Remus did the same and bounded into the corridor, pausing at the top of the stairs.</p><p>“Third and seventh,” he whispered. Roman nodded. Those were the creaky stairs. Sneaking out happened without their mother’s knowledge and if she knew....well, Roman was very sure that she’d be a little worried.</p><p>Remus sped down the stairs, sliding over the creaky stairs with surprising grace. Roman followed, albeit slower due to his half-asleep state. The fact that Remus had that much energy slightly worried him - had he slept at all? Probably not.</p><p>By the time Roman reached the kitchen, the back door was already open and the cool night breeze was blowing into the room.</p><p>“Come onnnn,” Remus waved his hand at Roman from the folds of his blanket. Roman slipped on his sliders and stepped into the garden, shutting the door behind himself. He hurried to the base of the tree, where Remus had already scrambled halfway up. Tying his duvet as securely as he could around his shoulders, Roman started climbing.</p><p>He pulled himself into the treehouse, which was dimly lit by an old set of fairy lights. Various worn pillows covered the floor, and a wonky shelf haphazardly held a selection of books. Remus was curled up in the corner, feet tucked under his blanket.</p><p>“Why weren’t you asleep?” Roman asked as he settled into place on a pillow opposite Remus.</p><p>“Couldn’t. Not after...Michael,” Remus hesitated before saying their father's name. It was almost as if he was going to say something else. “What about you?”</p><p>“The same. I just,” Roman lied. Remus didn’t need to know that <em>those thoughts </em>were coming back. “Why now? What did he do to mom?”</p><p>“If she wanted us to know, we’d know. Mom doesn’t hide things from us.” Remus tipped his head backwards to look at the ceiling. “Fuck dude.”</p><p>“Penny for your thoughts?”</p><p>Remus inhaled deeply, pulling at his earring and then picking at a thread in his blanket. The green and silver wool had been a gift from their grandma before she had died. Roman had a matching one, in red and gold. He loved their grandma. He knew Remus had too.</p><p>“I think....” Remus trailed off, breathing in again. It reminded Roman of Virgil, and how he always did breathing exercises when he got anxious. Though, it was unusual for Remus to be this anxious over anything that wasn’t OCD-related.</p><p>“You think...?” </p><p>“Shut up, asshat, I’m getting to it!” Remus snapped. Roman put his hands up.</p><p>“Okay okay. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Remus bit his lip.</p><p>“I think I want to use different pronouns.”</p><p>Roman sat up straighter. Okay, not what he expected but that was fine. No big deal.</p><p>“Those pronouns being?” He prompted.</p><p>“Uh...I’m not sure? I’ve researched, don’t get me wrong, but I haven’t settled. Is it alright if I just say on the day?”</p><p>“Of course!” Roman smiled brightly, going to hug his sibling. Remus gladly accepted the hug. </p><p>“I think want to use they/them right now,” they told Roman. “Although that could very well change by the morning. Gender is so fuckin stupid.”</p><p>“I agree, although I personally would like to keep mine,” Roman chuckled. “How much longer do you wanna stay out here?”</p><p>“What, are you cold?” Remus teased Roman. All the tension seemed to have left their body after saying their piece. Roman felt his heart warm. He had done that. He had given his sibling a place to feel safe and relaxed.</p><p>“Perhaps I am. For how thick this duvet it, it’s doing a shit job at keeping me warm.” Roman frowned and pulled his duvet closer to his body again.</p><p>“You should’ve worn a jumper then!” Remus said. “S not like I didn’t tell you!”</p><p>“You didn’t, actually,” Roman retorted. “You just threw a pair of your manky socks at me.”</p><p>Remus held a finger up to silence Roman. “Ah ah. But how much colder would your feet be now, dear brother, if I hadn’t thrown them?”</p><p>Roman rolled his eyes and muttered ‘I hate you’ under his breath. Remus just laughed, picking up a crumpled foil structure from the shelf next to them. The glint of the lights bouncing off it caught Roman’s eye and he looked at it more closely. Bits of orange and blue paper were stuck onto it and some yellow tissue paper was at the bottom.</p><p>“Hey, isn’t this your project from like 4th grade or something?” Remus asked. “The rocket you did with Lo?”</p><p>They passed it to Roman so he could have a better look at it. The weight of it seemed familiar and under the wing was Roman’s name, bold and proud in looping letters. </p><p>“It is,” Roman answered. “We made it because I didn’t have stuff at home to make a cool one like Logan. Mom was in an episode and so Logan’s mom did the next best thing with kitchen foil and paper. I was so proud of this darn thing.”</p><p>“You also deliberately flew it into my face numerous times.”</p><p>“I’m <em>trying </em>to be sentimental you dick!” Roman said, throwing the rocket at Remus. They caught it and placed it back on the shelf in a surprisingly gentle way.</p><p>“Cool. So, you gonna tell me what’s up?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Remus blew their hair out of their face. “Well obviously it wasn’t just Michael. You looked on the brink of a breakdown when you found me.”</p><p>“Like you were doing much better.”</p><p>Remus’ expression darkened. “I told you one private thing. You owe me.”</p><p>Roman groaned before giving in. “Finneeeee. I was getting those thoughts again.”</p><p>Remus raised an eyebrow. "Care to elaborate?"</p><p>"The whole 'hey why don't you just go downstairs and grab something to hurt yourself with' shebang. Ugh, it's stupid and I don't know why but it happened."</p><p>"Alright. I'm glad you didn't act on them." Remus shivered then. Roman sniggered, a hand covering his mouth. They glared at him. "Fuck you dude."</p><p>"Wha-a-t?" Roman pushed out between laughs.</p><p>"I'm going back inside. Turn the lights off." They crawled to the door and stuck their tongue out as they started climbing down.</p><p>“Who’s cold now?” Roman called after them. They flipped him off when they reached the bottom.</p><p>Roman stayed inside the treehouse for a little while longer, before it was<em> definitely </em>too cold to be out there any longer. His fingers had gone numb and he struggled to tie his duvet around his shoulders again. One, two, three, four times before he was successful. He switched off the lights and clambered down the tree. Sleep would hopefully come more easily now. And besides, he had a date this week. That was <em>something </em>to look forward to telling Emile.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. This is a filler and I’m sorry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I promise I’m working on the next chapter, it’s just been quite hard to write - especially since this was meant to be a oneshot. So here, have some character info about them all!<br/>Also yes I’m sorry about the school names, they weren’t meant to be permanent and I’m from the UK so 90% of schools are either [town name] College/Secondary School or [Saint Name] Catholic/Catholic College or [Something random] Academy. <br/>But this lot live in America and I’m dumb so have the randomly generated names 🙃</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Name: Roman Prince</p>
<p>Age: 16 (June)</p>
<p>Pronouns: he/him</p>
<p>Eye colour: Brown</p>
<p>Hair colour: Light brown, short, wavy</p>
<p>School: Westside High</p>
<p>Family: Lorna Wright (mother), Michael Prince (father), Remus Prince (sibling)</p>
<p>————————————</p>
<p>Name: Remus Prince</p>
<p>Age: 16 (June)</p>
<p>Pronouns: please ask</p>
<p>Eye colour: Brown</p>
<p>Hair colour: Naturally light brown but dyed green because he’s a frickin gremlin, short (currently), wavy</p>
<p>School: Westside High</p>
<p>Family: Lorna Wright (mother), Michael Prince (father), Roman Prince (brother)</p>
<p>————————————</p>
<p>Name: Virgil Abelardo</p>
<p>Age: 17 (Dec)</p>
<p>Pronouns: he/him</p>
<p>Eye colour: Left grey, right brown</p>
<p>Hair colour: Dark brown, dip dyed purple, long enough to fall over one eye, straight </p>
<p>School: Westside High</p>
<p>Family: Erica Abelardo (mother), Leonard Abelardo (father), Ryan Abelardo (brother, younger)</p>
<p>————————————</p>
<p>Name: Patton Hart</p>
<p>Age: 17 (Jan)</p>
<p>Pronouns: he/him</p>
<p>Eye colour: Blue</p>
<p>Hair colour: Blonde, short, curly</p>
<p>School: Mountainridge High School</p>
<p>Parents: Cora Hart (mother), Alistair Hart (father), Poppy Hart (sister, older), April Hart (sister, younger), Oscar Hart (brother, younger), Charlie Hart (brother, younger)</p>
<p>————————————</p>
<p>Name: Logan Guiscard</p>
<p>Age: 17 (Nov)</p>
<p>Pronouns: he/him</p>
<p>Eye colour: Hazel</p>
<p>Hair colour: Brown, short, straight</p>
<p>School: Mountainridge High School</p>
<p>Parents: Emilia Guiscard (mother), Scott Guiscard (father), Anna Guiscard (sister, older)</p>
<p>————————————</p>
<p>Name: Janus Nili</p>
<p>Age: 16 (Feb)</p>
<p>Pronouns: he/they</p>
<p>Eye colour: Dark Brown </p>
<p>Hair colour: Black, long, box braids</p>
<p>School: Westside High</p>
<p>Parents: Iona Nili (mother), Farhan Nili (father)</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>FINALLY DID IT LETS GO</p><p>CW // talk of self-harm thoughts, mention of dr*gs (only in relation to Michael), therapy session</p><p>This is shorter than the last few but no matter-<br/>Roman honey why did you say that smh<br/>Also Remile supremacy &lt;33</p><p>I’m really not proud of this chapter, I hate it. Buttttt I’ll have a chapter of Patton and Logan next hopefully! :D</p><p>Mr Patterson I am so sorry for using your name for an old dude you’re an awesome teacher</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman collapsed into the car seat, smiling innocently at his mother. She raised an eyebrow at him but let slide. The sun shone strongly in the sky, heating up the interior of their family car. Lorna had turned on the AC in a futile attempt to cool it, but the blistering heat wasn’t going any time soon. Remus climbed in the back, shouting obscenities at Roman as they did.</p><p>“ROMAN I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD! IT WAS MY TURN IN THE FRONT!”</p><p>“No it wasn’t, you had last time!”</p><p>“I did <em>not, </em>you little shithead!”</p><p>“I’m taller than youuu~”</p><p>“FUCK.”</p><p>Lorna sighed, turning the key in the ignition. “Remus, language, please.”</p><p>“This fu- stinks. This stinks,” Remus caught themself before they swore. They twisted the simple black bracelet they had on their wrist. It was a system Remus had suggested, so Roman knew what pronouns to use. Black for they/them, green for he/him, orange for she/her and grey or beige for neopronouns or asking.</p><p>“It’s therapy Rem. It isn’t going to hurt you,” Roman teased. Remus rolled their eyes. They drove in silence for a little while, annoyingly upbeat music playing on the radio. Today was Remus’ first therapy session, and Roman had his anyway so it worked out. Lorna had been planning on taking each of the boys to the small coastal town while the other was in therapy so they didn’t get bored. Roman was beyond excited - it was rare he got to spend time alone with his mother nowadays. He’d missed it.</p><p>“Wait are we gonna be near a beach?!” Remus suddenly asked. Roman turned to look at his sibling, who had their eyes open wide.</p><p>Lorna raised an eyebrow and looked at Remus in the mirror. “Yeah, why?”</p><p>“FUCK YEAH SANDCASTLE COMPETITION!” Remus punched the air and winced as their hand hit the roof of the car. Roman smirked at them.</p><p>“Oh I’m going to beat your <em>ass</em>.”</p><p>“LIES!”</p><p>“We all know that I’m better at sculpting.”</p><p>“I literally take a fucking sculpting class you idiot.”</p><p>“Whatever. Who’s gonna judge?”</p><p>“Mom.” Remus smiled as Roman pouted. </p><p>“But that’s not impartiaaaaallllll,” he complained.</p><p>“Oh yeah? So who do you have in mind?”</p><p>“Logan, Patton, Virgil and Janus.”</p><p>Remus kicked the back of Romans seat. “Like your boyfriend isn’t going to vote for you.”</p><p>“We haven’t even been on a date.”</p><p>“Eh, still your boyfriend.”</p><p>“I hate you.” Roman huffed and crossed his arms, facing the front of the car. Remus started humming to themself gleefully. This was going to be a long car journey.</p><p>***</p><p>Lorna dropped Roman off at the reception desk, immediately going to double check and finalise things for Remus. There were some documents they had to fill in, and then they were free to leave.</p><p>“Roman Prince?” Emile’s smiling face looked in Roman’s direction. “Lovely! Do come in!”</p><p>Roman smiled at his mother and punched Remus’ shoulder lightly before following Dr. Picani into his room. The therapist was already sat down, rooting through the drawer next to him.</p><p>“Do how you do, Roman? Who was that with you today?”</p><p>“My mom and sibling,” he answered, taking a seat in the blue beanbag opposite Dr. Picani. “Remus.”</p><p>“How come Remus was here?” Emile pulled a pen out and held it in the air triumphantly. It was pink, and had a soft bobble attached to the end.</p><p>“They have therapy today too,” Roman answered, picking up the pillow that lay on the floor next to him. He pulled at the fraying fabric gently.</p><p>“I hope it goes well,” Emile pulled out the mind map and tapped it. “What would you like to talk about today?”</p><p>Roman hesitated, anxiety bubbling in his stomach. <em>He’s going to think you’re stupid for giving Virgil a chance, isn’t he? Because you are. </em>No. <em>Yes. </em>No! <em>Stupid.</em></p><p>“I kinda have a date?” He said quietly. Emile smiled even more (if that was humanly possible) and clapped his hands.</p><p>“Oh that’s exciting! With who?”</p><p>“Uh my....” Roman scratched the back of his head. “My soulmate?”</p><p>Emile smiled. “I’m so happy for you! What happened to his boyfriend though?”</p><p>“An open relationship,” Roman shrugged. “If it doesn’t work...well, we’ll break up. I’m nervous.”</p><p>“That’s okay. He’s probably nervous too.”</p><p>Roman fidgeted with the cushion. He had his knees tucked under him, and his mind map on the table. There wasn’t much more <em>to </em>talk about with this subject, and he was regretting bringing it up. Still, it was good to say something positive in a session for a change. He knew he should probably bring up the whole thing with Remus and sneaking out with them when he got negative thoughts. But at the same time it was nice to pretend that none of it happened. Stick your head in the sand and-</p><p>“And how have your thoughts been? It’s technically a bubble on the map, so why don’t we tackle that today?”</p><p>“Uhhh,” Roman scrambled to form an answer, panic coursing through him. He could feel himself start to shake slightly. “I mean....I’ve gotten better at coping with them? Kinda?”</p><p>“What do you mean by that?” Emile asked. He didn’t sound like he didn’t believe Roman, which he was grateful for.</p><p>“Uh well....I’ve been struggling with sleeping a bit I guess. And Re does too. So like, if I’m up late I’ll go check if they’re awake and we go to our treehouse. It’s probably not the best cos we lose sleep but it helps me and helps them.” Roman shrugged. “So it’s not the worst we could both do.”</p><p>“That’s true, and I’m proud of you for finding a better coping mechanism. Do you know what causes your lack of sleep?” Emile adjusted his glasses.</p><p>“Either I wake up randomly in the middle of the night or I can’t sleep. And I can’t help but think...like, hey no one’s up. No one could stop you if you went into the kitchen and-” Roman choked over his words, tears forming in his eyes. Goddamit, why was this so <em>hard? </em>He just wanted it to be simple again, like when he and Remus were kids. Like when nothing was wrong and they would climb trees and run in the garden all day, then come back in to their dinner and get tucked into bed by their mom. To be all easy and just...<em>safe</em>.</p><p>“I understand this is difficult for you Roman, and you’re doing really well. So when these thoughts happen, you go to Remus. What does he know?”</p><p>“They.” Roman looked at Picani, daring him to challenge what he said.</p><p>“Pardon?” Emile blinked. “<em>Ohhhh, </em>I’m so sorry. What do they know?” </p><p>Roman rubbed his eyes. “Uh, they can tell when I’m not doing well. And they kinda...they’re not soft with me? Like they’ll push me out of my comfort zone to talk, but not to a point where I’m upset.”</p><p>“I see,” Emile hummed, before a knock at the window caused him to yelp. Roman glanced round Emile to the window on the opposite end of the room. Someone was stood there, drinking an Starbucks iced coffee through a straw. They pulled their sunglasses down to look over the top, and then knocked on the window again. Emile rolled his eyes and went to open the window.</p><p>“Remy. There are doors in this place for a reason.”</p><p>“Don’t be like that babe,” Remy pouted, then smiled brightly. “Alan was a dickhead again.”</p><p>“So why are you here? Shouldn’t you be at work?”</p><p>Remy’s smile turned into something more sheepish. “About that...may have got fired.”</p><p>“Remy!” Emile pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. “Get inside. Round the front, mind you. And you can wait until I finish this session, okay?”</p><p>“You got it babe,” Remy winked and walked away from the window. Emile turned back around to Roman, gently shutting the window.</p><p>“Sorry about that Roman. My husband is...quite the character.”</p><p>“It’s fine!” Roman said hurriedly.</p><p>“What were we talking about?”</p><p>“Uh...Remus and helping me...” Roman hesitated. He wanted to say something, it was on the tip of his tongue. He could do it. <em>C’mon Roman, you can do this. </em>“Uh, I want to talk about something else though.”</p><p>Emile looked up from his notepad. “Okay.”</p><p>“My um....we were just relaxing and preparing to watch a movie - this was like, two days ago - Remus’ OCD had been bad all day and so mom said we didn’t have to do anything important. But, the doorbell went and....my dad turned up.”</p><p>Emile waited to see if Roman was going to expand on what he said. Roman didn’t.</p><p>“And how did that make you feel?” Emile prompted.</p><p>“Nervous. Angry too, I guess. And kinda disgusted. He smelt weird and Mom said it was drugs so....”</p><p>“That’s valid. Has your mom mentioned him since then?”</p><p>“No,” Roman shrugged. “I don’t think she wants him to be involved.”</p><p>Emile smiled sympathetically. Family dynamics were difficult sometimes, but Roman’s relationship with his mother was something special.</p><p>“I’m sure you’ll figure it out in the end. Now, shall we discuss some coping mechanisms and then round up the session?”</p><p>***</p><p>The restaurant that Lorna had taken Roman to was....not exactly a restaurant. It was more like a little cafe that happened to serve full meals at breakfast and lunch. Still, the atmosphere was cosy enough, and Roman found himself sinking back into one of the plush chairs, holding a hot chocolate. Carrot cake was on a plate in front of him, and his mother was sat opposite.</p><p>He pulled out his phone and opened his messages, scrolling until he found Virgil. </p><p>
  <em>hey, how are you?</em>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Virgil is typing...</em> </b>
</p><p>“So how did therapy go?” Roman glanced up as his mom. She placed her drink on the table, tucking her hair as she sat down.</p><p>“It was good! I talked to Emile about some good things today.” He smiled.</p><p>“That’s wonderful. I’m proud of you Roman.”</p><p>“They said I’ve been improving! I....also mentioned da-Michael. Dr. Picani said I should try to talk with you and Remus about it, but I don’t wanna do it yet.”</p><p>Lorna nodded and sipped from her drink. “Yeah, we can do it when things have calmed down a bit.”</p><p>Roman’s phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out, reading the screen as it lit up.</p><p><em><b>Virgil: </b>I’m </em> <em>alright! how are you?</em></p><p>
  <em>Just got out of therapy. I’m really proud of how well I’m doing :)</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>that’s great! I know you’ve been clean recently and im really proud of you too!</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>I’m really sorry to ask but like, could we move the date to tuesday? i have to do something on thursday and it only just came up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yeah that’s okay with me!</em>
</p><p>
  <em><b>Virgil: </b>oh great! i’ve gotta finish homework now so like, catch you later</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Bye Virgil (:</em>
</p><p>Roman switched off his phone and looked up at his mom again. He picked up his hot chocolate and took a sip from it, hissing when it scalded his tongue.</p><p>“Can we go on a walk down the beach?” He asked. “I want to buy fudge from that beach store. We can only get it when we’re down here.”</p><p>“Of course Roman.” Lorna smiled tiredly. Roman felt concern begin to bubble, but he pushed it down. Today had to be a good day. It had to be.</p><p>***</p><p>Roman sat down opposite his sibling, throwing a look of disgust across the table. Remus had a bowl of cereal and was chewing on it loudly, and it did <em>nothing </em>for Roman’s mood at 8am on a Monday.</p><p>Roman had known about Remus’ pronouns for...well, a while now. Yet Remus still hadn’t told their mother. Roman couldn’t understand why, Lorna was the least likely to judge. Then again, Roman hadn’t told her about his self-harm at first....okay, maybe he was a little bit of a hypocrite.</p><p>“What’s it today?” He asked Remus as he stirred his cereal. Completely dry cereal was disgusting, but if you left it in the milk too long the bottom would go completely soggy and the top wouldn’t. Roman’s solution was stirring it like a normal person - unlike some things Remus had done in the past.</p><p>Remus muttered a reply, but Roman didn’t quite catch it.</p><p>“I’m sorry?”</p><p>“She/her,” Remus said. She blushed slightly in embarrassment and stared into her cereal.</p><p>“Alrighty. Have you told anyone but me yet?”</p><p>“No. Nearly told JJ though.”</p><p>“When are you planning on telling mom?” Roman ate some of his cereal as he waited for Remus’ reply. She took her sweet time, tapping the table.</p><p>“I’m not sure. It’s not that I don’t want to, just..”</p><p>“Telling mom isn’t gonna be easy?” Roman guessed.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Well you gotta do it sometime. I hate having to use the wrong pronouns for you.”</p><p>“Oh yeah and it was so bloody easy to tell mom about self-harm huh?” Remus snapped. All of a sudden Roman’s breakfast didn’t seem as appetising.</p><p>“Look, I know I’m being hypocritical-”</p><p>“Save it!” Remus stood up abruptly, putting her bowl by the sink and marching out. Straight into Lorna.</p><p>“Hey Re. Sleep well?”</p><p>“Yeah and it was a good morning until this asshole existed!” Remus jabbed her finger in Roman’s general direction.</p><p>“I was just telling her that she should tell you her pronouns!” Roman burst out. He realised his mistake as soon as he closed his mouth. “Shit Re, I’m so sorry-“</p><p>Lorna looked between her two kids. “Remus, come and sit down.”</p><p>Remus obliged, alternating between bouncing her leg and pulling on her earring nervously. Guilt coursed through Roman. He might have messed up, big time. He just really wanted to be able to make her comfortable. Now he knew, he could see the little twitch whenever ‘he’ was used. The way the light in her eyes faded slightly though the rest of her face was immovable as ever. The stiffening of her shoulders when Janus introduced her as his boyfriend. And it hurt Roman, so so much, to see his sibling hurting.</p><p>“What does Roman mean by your pronouns sweetheart?”</p><p>“Nothing. He’s just being a dumbass.”</p><p>Lorna raised an eyebrow. “If you’re sure then....just know I’ll support you no matter what hun.”</p><p>She turned to go to the toaster, flicking the kettle on as she passed it. Considering they weren’t British at all, their mother drank a lot of tea. Then again, <em>she </em>was British so it made some sense. Roman’s eyes flicked back to Remus. She was biting her lip, weighing up options in her head. Roman knew that look like the back of his hand.</p><p>“Actually mom.....say I <em>did </em>wanna use different pronouns? Not just he/him? And like, different ones on different days?”</p><p>“Like I said, I’d support you. I would find it confusing, but I’m sure I could learn and adjust.”</p><p>Remus smiled, taking a breath in. “I want to use she/her pronouns today.....is that okay?”</p><p>“Of course! Thank you for trusting me,” Lorna laid a hand on Remus’. “Now, both of you hurry up, before we’re late. Last one in the car walks home.”</p><p>Remus and Roman both stood up and sped out of the kitchen. Lorna shook her head, pouring her tea and putting some toast in the toaster. What on earth was she going to do with those two?</p><p>***</p><p>Roman could practically feel the nervousness radiating off his sibling as they walked out for morning break. She was uncharacteristically quiet, and monitoring everything her boyfriend was saying, as if trying to gauge his mood.</p><p>“I guess a good thing from all of this is that mom and dad aren’t going to make me be civil to Aunt Ida’s lot anymore,” Janus ran a hand through Remus’ hair. They were currently sat under the tree - Virgil and Vinnie next to each other, Roman to the right of them and Remus in Janus’ lap. Roman would’ve teased Remus about it, if he had not seen the slight nervous twitches she’d been having all morning.  “I mean, nothing against her but her husband is homophobic as fuck, you get me?”</p><p>“We all have that one family member,” Virgil said, scrolling through his phone. Remus pulled herself out of Janus’ lap and sat up properly. She glanced at Roman, who had his head tilted to one side. </p><p>“I need to say something.”</p><p>Oh, she was doing it. Roman smiled reassuringly. <em>It’s going to be okay</em>, he wanted to say. She nodded at him and closed her eyes, pulling on her trousers.</p><p>“Uh okay?”</p><p>“Spill, Ree.”</p><p>Remus rolled her shoulders, flexing and unflexing her hands. There was a loud silence as the others waited for Remus to reply.</p><p>“I want to use different pronouns.”</p><p>Janus rolled his eyes, sighing at Remus. “And? Big deal, mine are already he/they.”</p><p>“I’m using she/her today,” Remus looked blankly at Janus.</p><p>“Oh,” Janus reached out to put a hand on Remus’ arm. Roman watched carefully. If Janus did something to hurt her, god be damned if he wasn’t prepared to fight them. “Would you rather be my girlfriend today then?”</p><p>Remus nodded. “Please?”</p><p>“Then I dare say I have the best girlfriend ever,” Janus smiled. </p><p>“Top ten words I <em>never </em>thought would leave your mouth,” Virgil joked. </p><p>“Shut up you raccoon,” Janus glared at Virgil. Remus smiled, settling back into Janus’ embrace.  Roman relaxed, letting himself slip into daydreams.</p><p>“Hey Roman?” His eyes snapped open as Virgil spoke softly from beside him. Vinnie had gotten up and was walking towards the cafeteria.</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“What’s your favourite flower?”</p><p>Roman shrugged. “I dunno, I’m basic...roses I guess? Any of the red ones.”</p><p>Virgil nodded seriously, and Roman couldn’t help but smile slightly. “Why do you ask, my emo friend?”</p><p>“Oh, no reason,” Virgil stretched his legs. “None at all.”</p><p>Roman rolled his eyes, shoving Virgil gently. “Oh there’s <em>definitely </em>a reason. But fine, don’t share your secrets.”</p><p>Virgil smirked, and Roman opened his bag to pull out his theatre script. They had started studying Blood Brothers as coursework, and Roman had been casted as Edward. He didn’t dislike the role, and having read forward was grateful that he didn’t have to act Mickey, who suffered from depression. But he also hated the posh, stuck up prick that Edward could be. Still, main cast <em>despite </em>his little hiccup a few months prior was very good, and he was grateful that his director gave him a second chance.</p><p>The bell rang loudly, signalling the end of their break. Roman groaned in frustration, and Janus laughed loudly at him. He stuffed his script back into his bag, picking up his art project from the grass. Virgil was leaning on the tree, waiting for him.</p><p>“Art?”</p><p>“No, history you doofus, art is after. C’mon, we’re going to be late.”</p><p>“Virgil you do realise that Mr Patterson is so old he probably can’t even <em>recognise </em>half the class?” Roman joked. </p><p>“Well yeah, but also the register?”</p><p>“Oh shit-“ Roman swung his bag onto his back, waving a quick goodbye to Janus and Remus. Remus stuck her finger up at Roman, dragging Janus towards the sports hall. Roman started sprinting alongside Virgil. Despite his short size, Virgil could sprint like nobody’s business. The crowded corridor meant Roman lost sight of him quickly, being held up behind a bunch of giggling fourteen year old girls. They pointed at him, one of them squealing as he pushed past. He rolled his eyes. Honestly, some kids.</p><p>He spotted Virgil’s purple hair outside of their history class, and quickly made his way over. As he approached the door, it opened and his teacher beckoned them all in. Just in time. Thank god. Virgil winked at him and entered the class, energetically talking to a classmate. Roman smiled to himself. Maybe things truly were looking up.</p>
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